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Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

by downinthedumps / 01/12/2015 at 9:47pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

by terrified / 06/07/2015 at 11:13pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

by jobless / 01/20/2009 at 11:52am / Love

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 8:28am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Health

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2012 at 8:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the cause of the recent pain in my chest was that I had a torn muscle. What caused this? I sneezed. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2010 at 12:21am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

by Rick / 05/22/2012 at 7:02am / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a foul smell while on elliptical machine. I figured it was the little old lady on the machine next to me. It was so bad I had to leave. When I got in my truck, I realized the smell had followed me. It was me. My cat had pissed on my workout clothes. FML

by cdubb27 / 10/11/2010 at 2:00am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

by ontherun2012 / 02/13/2012 at 11:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

by butterflyzag20 / 02/27/2013 at 10:28pm / United States / Love

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

by KittKatt / 05/20/2015 at 1:34am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2011 at 9:56am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

by full bladder / 04/28/2015 at 6:39pm / United States (Florida) / Health