Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML
Today, my flatmate moved in with me. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, so did her mother. FML
Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML
Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML
Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML
Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML
Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML
Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML
Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML
Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML
Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML
Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML
Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML
Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML
Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML
Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML
Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML
Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML
Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML
Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML
Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML
Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML
Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML
Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML
Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML
Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML
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