Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML
Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML
Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML
Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML
Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years-old. FML
Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML
Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML
Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML
Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying, "That's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML
Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML
Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML
Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
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