Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML
Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML
Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML
Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML
Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML
Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML
Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML
Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something?" I asked. I was not expecting the answer, "A period mural." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML
Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML
Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML
Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML
Today, I graduated from a top law school. My aunt's reaction? "I will never hang out with a cop." FML
Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML
Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML
Today, I yawned so hard that I dislocated my jaw completely, then had to ask to be excused from class in front of 30 people with my mouth hanging open. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML
Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML
Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML
Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML
Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML
Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML
Today, I got several angry messages on Facebook, demanding to know how I could cheat on my wife. They didn't believe me when I said I had no idea what they meant. Turns out my wife made a sarcastic post about my "new mistress". She was talking about Fallout 4. FML
Today, I opened up to my best friend about my depression. Her response: "If you're so depressed, why don't you just kill yourself?" FML
Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML
Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML
Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML
Today, I was on the bus home from work when I felt something strange in my hair. I turned to look, and saw the old woman next to me sucking on the end of my hair. When she noticed me staring, she didn't stop but instead said, "So pretty. Can I have?" FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML
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