Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML
Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML
Today, I went into labor. I called my mother to ask her to drive me to the hospital. She wanted me to wait for her to take a nap first. FML
Today, I'm pretty sure my sister is being catfished. Now I have the choice of either telling her and risking her staying with her abusive husband or letting her think her new "boyfriend" is a good guy who didn't just "accidentally" send me a shower picture. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML
Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML
Today, I have a Bachelors of Science at a top university and got denied by Chipotle for a part-time job. FML
Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML
Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML
Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML
Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another guy. On top of it all he stole my favorite underwear. FML
Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML
Today, my mom figured that the best time to announce that I'm adopted was during her speech at my wedding. FML
Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML
Today, I was at a really big party and everyone was showing off by flipping into the pool one by one. When it was my go, I attempted a back flip, cracked my head open on the side of the pool, and was rushed to hospital. Now everyone hates me cause the party was forced to shut down. FML
Today, I was going to bed when a cockroach crawled out from under my pillow. I wasn't too afraid of it, until I looked away. It's hour two, and I still can't find it. FML
Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML
Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML
Today, I bleached my upper lip hair so it wouldn't be visible anymore. At school, for the first time, the guy I like came over to talk to me after class. Just as I thought he was about to ask me out, he told me how weird my "gold moustache" looks. FML
Today, while driving I saw a police car riding along next to me. Thinking about the news recently, I decided to give him a quick thumbs up and a smile to lighten up his day. He looks back, smiles, flips on his siren, and pulls me over for not paying attention to the road. FML
Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML
Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML
Today, I walked into my son's room only to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML
Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML
Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML
Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML
Today, I had to make a choice between being kept awake by the heat, or the cackling seagulls outside my window. I still don't know what's worse. FML
Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML
Today, my batshit crazy coworker told me that she wants to hear my skin sizzle. I'm afraid to go to work now. FML
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