Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML
Today, I told my new hairstylist that I like Jennifer Aniston's look and that I'm trying to grow my hair out. She gave me the "Rachel" haircut. FML
Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML
Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML
Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML
Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML
Today, a child complimented me by telling me that I look like a potato. The good kind of potato. FML
Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML
Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML
Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML
Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML
Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML
Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML
Today, I learned two important facts: #1 - A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 - If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML
Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML
Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML
Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML
Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML
Today, after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. Welcome to the neighborhood! FML
Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML
Today, the water went out at my house, so I resorted to taking some stuff and showering at my old dorm instead. While in the shower, I realized I'd stupidly forgotten to bring a towel with me. I had to spend ages drying my whole body with tiny paper towels instead. FML
Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML
Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML
Today, arriving home with my boyfriend after a night away, we opened our bedroom door to find his younger brother and a girl naked in our bed. She looked at me, looked at him and said, "Ew. Who's that?" She then asked for a pair of socks, because she had, "rank feet". FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend texted my dad, letting him know they'd got married a few weeks ago. This wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't driven 6 hours to see them yesterday to celebrate their engagement and discuss potential wedding plans, while they went along with it. They even suggested dates. FML
Today, a tattoo artist send me home without tattoo because the acne on my back has gotten so bad, he refused to work on such an 'unpredictable surface'. FML
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