Mrs wonderland, my mind 33 years-old In a relationship
Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit card. FML
Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML
Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year-old boy. FML
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life-jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the life-jacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right, and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML
Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed, "Holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML
Today, while at my parents' house, I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML
Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
Today, I pulled over to help an attractive girl on the highway in the middle of nowhere. When I asked if she needed help she told me she was going to try starting her car one more time. She then started to make fake engine noises and told me that she was good to go and that I should be on my way. FML
Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML
Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML
Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML
Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML
Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML
Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents' bedroom by mistake. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s teacher asking me to come pick her up. My daughter wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. I left an important work meeting. When I got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldn't emotionally make it through the rest of the day. She's 5. FML
Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high-pitched voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML
Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML
Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML
Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML
Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML
Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML
Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast. I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML
Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML
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