Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML
Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML
Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML
Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML
Today, I got turned down from a job I really wanted. Six hours later, the guy called me again and delivered the same news, not realizing he had already called this morning. Thanks for rubbing it in. FML
Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML
Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML
Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML
Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a Band-Aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML
Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML
Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML
Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML
Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML
Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML
Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill." He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML
Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML
Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
