Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML
Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home, I jumped on him and gave him a proper deep-tongue kiss. I noticed he tasted a bit weird, so I asked him when he last brushed his teeth. His answer: the day we had dinner with his mother. That was two weeks ago. FML
Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital because I broke my leg in a sex accident. The doctor is my boyfriend's mom. I had to explain everything to her. FML
Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML
Today, the car I've been saving up for three years, which I bought three weeks ago, was hit by my neighbor who was texting. While it was parked. In my driveway. FML
Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it was perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML
Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML
Today, I got my period while I was at work. Not one of the 15 other girls that work there had a tampon. #FML
Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML
Today, I got into a huge fight with a 6’3” 200 lb guy over my girlfriend of a month, who he claims to have been dating for 2 months. I'm 6’1” myself, but I’m not jacked at all. My girlfriend stood there watching us fight, and revealed at the end that she has a twin. FML
Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML
Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML
Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML
Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML
Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I dislike the most, to which I blurted out "people". I don't think I'm landing this one. FML
Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML
Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML
Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML
Today, I splurged thousands of dollars on the breed of dog that I've loved since I was a kid from a reputable breeder. He is allergic to all food except the 24lb food for $70 and has sensitivities galore, including a seizure from a shot. I've spent $5,000 in vet bills in the first week. FML
Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML
Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML
Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML
Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML
Today, my boyfriend's mother informed me that when I visit him next month, he is planning to propose. We have a long-distance relationship and I've been thinking of breaking it off. His friends and family are involved with the proposal he planned. They're all going to hate me. FML
Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML
Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML
So destructive, but so cute!
Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML
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