Miss Window Rock, USA 31 years-old
Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML
Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML
Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML
Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML
Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML
Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML
Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML
Today, I decided to play a friendly game of Clue with my family. This resulted in one kid crying, one dad with a broken nose, two broken plates and a trip to Walmart to get a new Clue game. FML
Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML
Today, I found out that my overprotective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML
Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML
Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML
Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML
Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML
Today, I got my phone fixed and the lady who was working on it somehow resent all the old text messages in my outbox. One was to my ex saying, "I love you." FML
Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML
Today, at work, whilst on hold with an important client, I said to my co-workers, "Fucking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite." I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML
Today, I was out with my boyfriend, and I had an epileptic fit. He had never seen me have one, and it freaked him out. He rang me later to dump me, as he didn't want to go out with someone who acted like a 'spaz' in public. FML
Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML
Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML
Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML
Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML
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