Miss Toulouse, France 33 years-old
Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML
Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML
Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML
Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML
Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML
Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "Garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML
Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML
Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML
Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML
Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML
Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML
Today, my grandparents took me out for dinner for my birthday. After singing, "Happy birthday dear…" they froze. I had to say my own name because they'd forgotten it. FML
Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML
Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML
Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML
Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML
Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML
Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML
Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML
Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML
Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML
Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML
Today, I got stopped by the fuzz. The officer told me he "could care less" about my excuses. He was probably about to let me go without a ticket, but my inner Grammar Nazi kicked in and I explained why he meant to say "couldn't care less." I got the ticket. FML
Today, I went for my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He walked into the room and said, "I thought you died." FML
Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML
Today, at school, a guy walked up to me and said I look a little too young to be at high school. I told him that I'm sixteen years old. He stared at my chest for several long seconds, muttered "What the fuck?" and walked off. FML
Today, my mom turned off all internet access in our house because she thought I spent too much time on the computer. She later asked me why she couldn't get on Facebook. FML
Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML
Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML
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