Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year-old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML
Today, my friends and I decided to prank the pizza guy. Once he rang the doorbell, I jumped out of the bushes wearing a scary mask and holding a fake dagger. He almost instantly whipped out a Taser and got me right in the collarbone. FML
Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML
Today, I learned that my mother-in-law gives better head than my wife. How? It wasn't from my experience, but thanks to a casual conversation with my father. FML
Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML
Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML
Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML
Today, my wife rushed out of the house, stated she had to hurry to Costco, asked me for money after talking shit to me. She left our house a mess while I’m working from home. When I called her to give her a list of things to pick up, she was cleaning her friends’s house and taking care of her friend’s kids. FML
Outletmadesimple tells us more.
Sounds like you have a very low option of me. You don’t even know me and FML Limits the amount of characters in a post so there isn’t much room to be more descriptive. But I like that you asked questions. 1. I am the only one working and my wife spends a lot of money shopping. She has admitted she has an addiction and is working through it. But if all the money was available to her, our bills wouldn’t get paid. Here she asked me for money. 2. My wife had every intent on going to her friends house. It’s a daily ritual for her. My wife’s father passed and she finds comfort helping her friend with her 5 kids. I get it but it gets very lonely for me and she spends more time buying stuff for them, and cleaning her friends house, and bathing her kids then she spends at home. 3. Yes it was an argument ! She says I don’t do shit around the house because my job is relaxed most days which affords me time to do more. My side is how dare you tell me about helping out more when I am home all day, working, cleaning, and taking care of our dogs. Yet if I don’t make the bed or take the laundry to the garage I am a lazy piece of shit! 4. For the name calling is “talking shit to me”. 5. When you are sitting alone in a house and taking care of a household while your spouse is taking care of someone else’s household, then we can talk. Until then you don’t have to feel any empathy for me. Hit the “you deserve it” button and move on!
Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML
Today, a woman maced me from her car window because I was approaching her in a menacing, rapist kind of way. She never happened to consider that my car was in the parking spot right next to hers. She didn’t apologise, just said it was my fault for looking like a rapist, and drove away leaving me half blind. FML
Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML
Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML
Today, at my new retail job, I accidentally referred to white tank tops as, "Wife beaters." That's what I thought they were actually called, until my boss had to correct me. FML
Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML
Today, I was at the mall in the food court, when some guy asked for my number. I turned him down, but I was impressed with how ballsy he was. Without thinking, I said, "I like your balls!" Half the place instantly fell silent. FML
akaka_fml tells us more.
akaka_fml 14
Hi, I am the OP. Check my profile to see that it is confirmed. Anyways I am not attached right now, he was 15 and I am 18. I didn't like the age difference. Anyways he did turn around and wink at me. Then walked away. You don't have to believe me but here is the truth.
Today, I found out my cousin stole my used pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures the last time she came to visit, and tried to fake a pregnancy. This was two years ago when she stayed at my house. I just found out I'm pregnant again, and guess who just asked to come to stay and "visit"? FML
Today, after medication, relaxation, sleep hygiene, and various other remedies for my insomnia failed, I've resorted to listening to an alien conspiracy podcast to fall asleep. The content is so insane and his voice is so monotone, I swear my brain shuts down in protest. FML
Today, my husband angrily accused me of cheating on him. It turns out he thinks that because I've been spending time with my brother recently, the two of us must be having some kind of incestuous affair. FML
Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML
Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML
Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the driver's side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML
Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML
Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test, saying, "Well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML
Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML
Today, I made an appointment with a therapist because lately I've been feeling alone and like no one cares about me. I waited at her office for about forty minutes before the receptionist informed me that she must have forgotten about the appointment. Even my therapist stands me up. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML
Today, somebody in a store was talking about a girl who had a snake, and while I was walking out the store, an old lady asked me if I was the girl with the snake. I said no, to which she replied, "Oh, because you look like someone who would." FML
Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML
Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML
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