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Zzzzzzzz

By dmsmcd - 17/12/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 062

You deserved it 3 982

Dick appointment

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I walked out halfway through a much anticipated dick appointment because it became apparent that he thought my clit was located somewhere on my upper thigh. He kept rubbing it and moaning, "Oooooh, I bet you like that, baby." No, sir, I certainly did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 305

By ksamp - 12/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 345

You deserved it 6 299

Wait, what?

By HereToLaughAtU - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Des Moines

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 909

You deserved it 4 903

By steve - 05/09/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 096

You deserved it 5 353

Stranger danger

By shit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 735

You deserved it 31 776

By anonymous1 - 14/06/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 714

You deserved it 11 026

By Anonymous - 09/08/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 535

You deserved it 7 817

By Laura - 08/10/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 345

You deserved it 45 365

By names suck and so do I - 08/08/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 229

You deserved it 10 165

Acceptance

By knzknz - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 944

You deserved it 42 295

Jump scare

By izzy46111 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 496

You deserved it 5 325

Who is you?

By iamnotuseless - 10/12/2010 11:37

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said, "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 909

You deserved it 5 156

By NoBabies - 09/11/2014 04:06 - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 553

You deserved it 5 017

Alas, poor Kermit

By traumatizedforlife - 05/08/2013 20:21 - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 449

You deserved it 6 808

By drixxy - 29/08/2012 15:01 - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 200

You deserved it 1 703

The gall

By DisgustedAF - 14/04/2023 06:00 - United States - Miami

Today, a few days within moving back in with my mother, I received sympathy flowers for my deceased son. They were from my ex-neighbor, the bitch who was supposed to be watching him but instead decided to have sex with my soon to be ex-husband in the house while my son drowned in the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 174

You deserved it 150

Where on Earth do you work?

By Anonymous - 26/08/2012 23:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 444

You deserved it 4 306

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 761

You deserved it 9 065

By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I found out my grandpa died. As I rushed home crying to comfort my parents, I got pulled over for speeding. The officer told me to cut out the "fake" tears". When I told him my grandpa just died he tacked on another $100 for lying to an officer. Worst. Christmas. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 373

You deserved it 3 526

It's literally 1987 by George Doorbell

By anon - 17/04/2023 03:00

Today, I took some leftover Indian food to work, and commented to a coworker that I loved to cook recipes from other cultures. Later, I got a hearing with HR about cultural appropriation. The HR rep said, "Stick to plain chicken and boiled potatoes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 170

By Rotarius - 23/08/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 963

You deserved it 37 066

By Anonymous - 01/11/2014 18:23 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 905

You deserved it 5 529

My friends' reaction when I see my ex

By Lewis - 13/12/2018 17:58 - France - Paris

Let it go!

I agree, your life sucks 264

You deserved it 68

By majorlyturnedoff - 21/08/2012 03:02 - United States

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 361

You deserved it 3 343

By Honestly - 09/02/2017 12:00 - United Kingdom - Measham

Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 027

You deserved it 532

Heavy sleeper

By good_aim - 27/07/2013 08:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 323

You deserved it 26 939

By Anonymous - 18/08/2012 04:51 - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 279

You deserved it 2 095

By Anonymous - 23/09/2011 10:41 - United States

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 428

You deserved it 13 072

By Jack - 30/11/2010 08:48

Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 924

You deserved it 3 699

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The Top

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 249

You deserved it 4 239

Today, I was at the beach with my friend on vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 012

You deserved it 9 439

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 180

You deserved it 9 453

Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 923

You deserved it 156

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 181

Today, when I stepped outside, I found out my neighbors forgot to leash their mean-ass dog when he promptly started charging at me. If not for the black cat who lives outside my house, who I've fed before, jumping in and somehow single-handedly whooping his ass, I'd probably be dead. You don't fuck with stray cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 96