Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML
Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML
Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML
Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs TV room. Just as he was about to come, I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door right as he came. I didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML
Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML
Today, I saw mice eating from my cat's food dish, again. Where is my cat? He's busy bringing in more mice, birds, and once even an unharmed chipmunk through his cat door. FML
DolphinGirl369 tells us more.
Hi, OP here. I posted this before I had an account, and just found this again looking at random fmls. I live out in the country on a gravel road so there isn't much traffic, and my cat, (Indy for Indiana Jones), is very good with cars. Also, the cat shelter where he was raised allowed the cats outside through a cat door. At first he was an indoor cat, but he started marking different areas of the house. It stopped for a while after we started letting him outside. But then if we were asleep or about to go to bed, and refused to let him out, he started marking again. That's when we got him the cat door. There have been no problems since then. We can't just get rid of him. My autistic brother loves him very much, and is great with him. And Indy is VERY affectionate, at times acting more like a dog than a cat. (That's not an insult, Indy loves dogs.) A lot of times they sleep together with Indy at his feet, or sharing his pillow. Indy will also watch tv with my brother. They really are great for each other. As for bringing animals inside, he will kill them, and sometimes eat them, but a lot of times we notice he has something before he's hurt them. In which case we get the animal away from him, and hopefully outside. The mice sometimes run away before we have a chance to do anything. Also, once he dropped a completely unharmed sparrow in his food dish. Of course it flew all over the house before we finally got it out. I guess he thought it would stay in his food dish? Yeah, he's not always the smartest, but we love him. Oh, and the count for chipmunks, both completely unharmed, is now up to two. All told, he is one of the best pets I've ever had. I just wish he would get the mice out, not bring more in. PS the reason there are mice in the house, along with living in the country, is because the foundation for our house wasn't built properly. There was a twelve foot long area that only had styrofoam between the outside and the inside of the walls. Yeah, the guy who built our house is a moron. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for the fun comments.
Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same… until my boyfriend came up behind me, wanting to know what I was doing. FML
Today, I punished my new dog for taking a shit inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML
Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML
Today, I found out just how close my mom and fiancé are. No, they aren’t sleeping together, but she has been covering for him while he has sex with other women behind my back. Her excuse? He deserves to be happy too. FML
Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML
Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML
Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML
Today, the power went out so my family all stayed together in a one room to keep warm. I was on the bed against the wall and reached my hand down, only to find my panties tucked in the side of my brother's bed. Not one pair, but two. FML
Today, after I finally got the money for a pool, I built a deck, filled it a quarter of the way, then all the 4x4 beams collapsed. The pool ripped in half, flooding the yard. FML
Today, my husband played a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML
Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML
Today, it's my 25th birthday, I celebrated it by cooking my favourite meal for my parents and sister, while they watched TV and house-hunted for my sister. I have yet to hear a happy birthday, receive a card, a present or a phone call. Oh, and my parents are on a diet, so they complained my cooking wasn’t "on their plan." FML
Today, I had to take a splinter out of my eight year old son's penis. FML
TCRII tells us more.
Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML
Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML
Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot, an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML
Today, my toddler shat on her carpet again. She also decided to play in it. This is the third time in a month. She's fully potty trained, and thinks it’s funny. FML
Today, while on a date, I accidentally ordered "diet water" instead of saying "diet coke". FML
Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML
Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It'll be good for her." FML
Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML
Today, I learned that my wife had been cheating on me. What's worse? My kids found out three months before I did, and told me that they like him better than me. FML
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