Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML
Today, I left my wallet on the train again. You'd think I'd be extra careful after losing it once. That's 3 times this year. FML
JordLostItagain3 tells us more.
Hey guys op here! Still no sign of the wallet, had no cash in it fortunately but replacing the cards is a hassle. First time i lost it, some old lady handed it into the bank. One of the train cleaners gave me a call after i lost the second one. Hoping 3rd times the charm? I'm a 20 year old uni student and it takes me about 2hrs to get to and from uni. Basically i live on trains. I've never lost my wallet prior to this year though! Some of you might be saying how could you lose it again!? Well, i think i was too preoccupied trying to text this girl i really like... until it dawned on me when i changed platforms. The sudden realisation as you furiously check your bag is the worst. Looks like i'm investing in a chain wallet from now on:) I'll let you all know if it magically appears(hopefully). If you guys find a black wallet with a bunch of cards give me a heads up! haha
Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML
Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML
Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML
Today, I desperately needed a mental health day, so I took the day off work and got some junk food and wine. A few hours later, I'm in hospital with gallstones and pancreatitis, needing an emergency surgery. My mental health day turned into multiple weeks off work, and a lot of pain. FML
Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML
Today, I nervously started a new job, and my co-workers were telling me silly rules about our boss. Later, I accidentally bumped into him, and blurted "Rule #7, don't touch George." He definitely heard. FML
Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML
Today, I had a panic attack while giving a presentation on how to breathe to avoid having panic attacks. FML
Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML
Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML
Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number, I wanted to mess with my girlfriend a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML
Today, my roommate’s 17 year-old daughter got broken up with. She locked herself in her room and won’t stop playing "Driver’s License" by Olivia Rodrigo on a continuous loop. Not to mention sounding like an agonizing cat while screaming its lyrics. It’s been 2 hours. FML
Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML
Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML
Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML
Today, a customer asked me if I was my husband's sister. A little flabbergasted, I replied, "No, I'm his wife." He went on to say, "Ah! But surely, you're related? Cousins?" FML
Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML
Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited, until I saw they were from a friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML
Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML
Today, I agreed to anal with my boyfriend, but when I told him anal takes prep, like stretching and lubing, and you can’t just jam a knob up there like in a porno, he lost all interest, asked for a blowjob, and when I said no, he started sulking. I struggle to remember why I’m with him. FML
Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They apparently thought it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML
Today, I'm studying in another city. My tutor hates me because of my looks and accent. I have no friends, computer or internet outside of uni. I live in a room I rent at an old couple's house. Due to a flimsy door, I hear everything they do or say, and vice versa. I can't move from the bed. If I do, their dog, who guards my door, starts barking. FML
Today, my future father-in-law, a respectable New England gentleman, bought me an $8,000 viola and bow for our engagement. I was so surprised that I spit a glass of wine from a 60 year old bottle all over his custom-tailored suit. He was not happy. FML
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