Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML
Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML
Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house, because his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents, so I’m not good enough for their son. FML
Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML
Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML
Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML
b5b0n36 tells us more.
b5b0n36 27
hey, OP here. thanks for the suggestion! I will look into it cause chilli powder was a horrible disaster hahaha
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML
Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML
Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML
Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML
Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML
Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML
Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML
Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML
Today, I mistook a tree in my back yard as an intruder and called the police. FML
SexxiKitty tells us more.
Hey everyone! OP here hoping to give you all some clarity! First off, I wasn't high but I was tired and I wasn't wearing my glasses. I live on a farm in the middle of bumble-**** nowhere and we have a small tree, about 5'6" tall, a little ways off our back porch. It was about 2:00 a.m. and my young daughter had gotten sick on her sheets so I was running to put them in the washing machine (which is in the barn) so that they wouldn't stain. I heard a rustling sound and I thought I saw a person moving out of the corner of my eye. Without my glasses and the fact that it was really dark mixed with my overall anxiety because my husband wasn't home caused me to drop the sheets and run back into the house to protect my kids. I know it's stupid and really horrible that I wasted precious resources on something so trivial but I was terrified. My husband is the head of a very small drug task force and even though we live in a pretty sleepy town, he still gets threats now and again. Furthermore we recently moved from Sacramento because I was almost kidnapped about 2 years ago while I was walking home from the park with my kids and I didn't want to take ANY chances. I was treated with respect by the great officers who came out and my husband was immediately notified. He wasn't able to come home right away but one of his off duty officers came by and stayed on the couch the rest of the night. Thank you all for the well wishes and I appreciate all the great puns!! :)
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML
Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I'd realized that "I support ISIS" was written on the bottom of my water bottle. The bottle was a gift from my dad. FML
Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML
Today, I came home from work to see that my dog had shit all over himself and his kennel. He eaten an entire cake when I'd left him home for 10 minutes by himself yesterday. This not how I planned to start my weekend. FML
MrsMusselLady tells us more.
Today, I saw my dad driving our red Dakota, and I thought it would be funny to tail him around town. It wasn't until I saw cop lights flashing in my rear-view mirror that I remembered that we'd given away our red truck. I'd scared an old lady so badly that she called the police. FML
Today, I thought it would be a nice idea to take some flowers and candy to a friend whose cat had just passed away. As I was leaving, I ran over her other cat. FML
Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML
Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML
Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML
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