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Hey guys its me OP, To clarify, my mom told me that she was planning to do this only if the Heimlich maneuver did not work. I was choking on the chip pretty badly and could not breathe so she was thinking about the worst possible scenario. Luckily, I got it out and I am fine and no throats were cut. (This time). When she told me about her (bad) plan to perform a tracheotomy I told her about the scene with Sandra Bullock in The Heat and the dangers of doing one without training (and that TV does not count as training). I also may have mentioned that I would rather choke out and die than have my throat cut open with a steak knife on the kitchen floor.... Thanks for all of your comments! -OP

By nomorecleanballs4u - 28/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 846

You deserved it 717

It wasn't me

By Florida Girl - 09/03/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story about my dad’s senior prank, his mom said that during her senior year, some asshole spray painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 418

You deserved it 380

By box butt - 07/03/2017 00:00

Today, after much dieting and exercise, I can proudly say that my love handles are now bigger than my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 416

You deserved it 637

Good Riddance

By JustABarista - 11/03/2017 04:00

Today, while working at Starbucks, an elderly woman came up to me asking to turn up the heat. It was at 73. After explaining to her that corporate all the way across the country controls our heat, she's reporting me to corporate and is insisting I should be fired or she won't ever return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 314

You deserved it 373

By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 443

You deserved it 2 138

Peckish

By Bontempi - 19/07/2012 18:55 - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 641

You deserved it 42 738

Fuel to the fire

By Why? - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up by saying, "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 293

You deserved it 2 092

There you are

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 571

You deserved it 3 643

Empty gesture

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:44 - Canada - London

Today, my mother in law basically said I deserve my breast cancer, all because I declined to take part in one of her "March Against Cancer" events a while ago. I guess donating money to cancer research instead of going on a meaningless march really messed up my karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 003

You deserved it 1 803

By SimpleSadie - 22/04/2017 16:00

Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 706

You deserved it 487

By notyourmom - 11/06/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 018

You deserved it 7 812

By eeh - 07/05/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 658

You deserved it 103 539

By Liz - 30/04/2017 21:00 - Colombia - Bucaramanga

Today, I sent a message to my boyfriend saying that I missed him and love him very much. When I received a response, saying that he loved me and missed me too, I noticed that I had accidentally texted my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 707

You deserved it 5 303

Gross

By seriously_CAT - 21/10/2015 02:26

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "There's no such thing as bacteria in food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 677

You deserved it 1 628

By notamonkey - 14/12/2016 17:24

Today, I realised that a monkey can do my job. I was fired as an entertainer at the local fairground and literally replaced by a chimpanzee. He wears a hat and can hold balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 130

You deserved it 738

notamonkey tells us more.

notamonkey 0

Monday 19 December 2016 12:37

OP here, I didn't expect this to get posted so I made an account :) Your comments genuinely made me laugh! Since this got posted, here's some background for you: this happened to me two years ago, after I had worked for them for over a decade. While it wasn't the greatest job in the world, it felt like a calling to me. There's nothing I love more than making people (especially children) laugh. I later found out that they fired me because my boss wanted to impress his new girlfriend by giving her niece (who happens to be a chimp handler/animal trainer) a job. It was a small company and they couldn't afford to keep the both of us on, so I had to go :( But it's all good, I got lucky and found myself a similar job with better pay and benefits. :)

By vanillapudding6 - 14/10/2015 01:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 285

You deserved it 1 582