Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML
Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML
Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, but she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
Today, someone at work left 10 unopened beers after hours. I’m not much of a drinker, but free is free, so I took them home during my lunch break. After work, I left my new phone on top of my car, forgot about it, drove off, and it smashed in the middle of the road. Looks like I’m drinking those beers tonight. FML
Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML
Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML
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Top comments
organizse 28
Solution: keep getting drunk until you clean enough of your house to find them
Tripartita 45
Time to make a drunk videographer friend, so you'll have an account of whatever happens when you're both inebriated.
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Comments (35)
Googolman 29
Well, at least now if you ever need to clean your house it won't be a chore.
WittyMoron 22
Everything's gone somewhere for when you want to properly clean, at least.
organizse 28
Solution: keep getting drunk until you clean enough of your house to find them
cole_tyler42 21
OCDrunk
QuaDECH 13
The science is solid here.
polishguy05 15
Look at the bright side at least you didn't decide to drive with them while drunk
klorehore 24
Usually when I "drunk clean" I clean so well the lost items aren't even inside my apartment anymore.
i_live_to_vault 19
Well that stinks. Hope you find them.
Tripartita 45
Time to make a drunk videographer friend, so you'll have an account of whatever happens when you're both inebriated.
Tripartita 45
Oh, oh, and they probably aren't on fire!
jeffprobs 29
You drunk:"i can't drive, i should make sure i put the keys somewhere so i won't...Ever" *passes out* *drop keys*
lexiieeex3 32
Check the refrigerator, that seems to be a common drunken mistake.
katsuragi2008 4
For some, it's the washer. Ask my uncle