Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML
Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML
Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML
Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML
Today, I had a dictation test. The whole classroom was silent, but I suddenly needed to fart. Not to break the silence, I wanted to fart slowly in the hope it would be silent. It didn't make the fart less obvious, it just made it longer, so that everyone noticed and started laughing. FML
Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML
Today, I was waiting in line at the store trying to hold in a fart. I get to the cash register and the lady made me laugh and the fart slipped out. Only it was much louder than it was supposed to be, because I was squeezing my butt cheeks together, so it made a clapping sound. It was heard. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML
Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML
Today, I was feeling sick and I farted really loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML
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Top comments
skippydoda 32
I have a feeling even if you didn't do it, she'd still blame you.
colinabi 13
Something tells me she doesn't like you very much .
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Comments (57)
skyrim_fanatic 17
hi
KittyKattx3 12
lol that stinks
Livin_Like_Larry 29
Please no farting puns
drrobotnik1 18
you're new here, aren't you?
rashpimplezitz 9
I'm pretty sure if he were new here, he wouldn't have posted that comment
JustinJK 21
That really stinks that you don't want any flautence jokes. They're a work o fart.
colinabi 13
Something tells me she doesn't like you very much .
bcalle 8
You probably made the face
skippydoda 32
I have a feeling even if you didn't do it, she'd still blame you.
Grayness_ 26
Maybe she saw when you flexed your stomach to fart? Or she has smelled your farts.
JayVicious 20
The 1st seems possible because everybody gives a tell when they do this....but people don't have thier own brand of fart that smelks unique to them, but goes by what you eat.
kieralumina 30
If you've lived with someone long enough you can tell if it's them that coughed, sneezed, farted (by sound/smell), used the bathroom, etc. Probably not among 20 people unless the person has a very specific diet though.
deathshead 19
cant tell someone by fart? you obviously havent met my family
KaidensCrow 18
Lol my husbands farts always smell like something crawled up his ass and died... Lol so yeah I could actually tell him by his farts
xx000o 27
Farts are genetically coded, just like fingerprints.
captainsmegma 12
Don't you add class to a party.
teentee401 37
She probably didn't know it was you, but decided to blame you because she is your mother-in-law. Don't stress about it.
pjsr 33
Then again, some people have their own unique 'signature smell'. OP may be one of them.
Old_Liver 5
She is also probably one to spread rumours and pin every fault on you... was it loud and proud or silent but violent?
JayVicious 20
by the wording...out of your options i would say silent and violent since she was trying to hide it and was blamed.
colinabi 13
YDI woman don't fart
JustinJK 21
Women*; Troll comment is trollish. gr8 b8 m8
KaidensCrow 18
everyone farts it's a natural body function
Luxray24 13
That is beyond ignorant. That is like saying guys dont gossip.
cocainewhore 30
#38 I didn't read this as 'women don't fart', I think he was trying to say more along the lines of 'ydi, woman, don't fart.' I mean, it's still a pretty pointless comment but makes more sense than saying women don't fart.
colinabi 13
it's called a joke.
enginsteve 17
and #38 points out the impact of proper punctuation! also, sweet screen name! Lol