Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML
Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML
Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML
Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML
Today, I drove 800 miles for a concert. At the doors, I found out Ticketmaster sold me fake tickets. FML
ourlastnightlife tells us more.
This is my fml! So basically it was the very final vans warped tour, a 2 day event. I brought my tickets and at the door they said the ticket was already scanned. I called ticketmaster and they said they contacted the venue and said I could pick it up at will call. so I drive all the way back to the venue from my hotel and, no tickets. So I go customer service and pull up the order number, give them my billing address. The person "helping" me accused me of smoking something and trying to scam them even though I had all the proof of purchase. So on the second day of the event I go back and try again w my Sunday ticket. I was able to get in w that one. All the bands I wanted to see were playing on the second day anyway, so not much of a loss other than I paid for a two day ticket. also 800 miles from Seattle to Mountain View is nothing, last year I took a bus all the way from Seattle to Houston for warped tour. I still have no idea what got ****** up w the first ticket. But I still had a fun trip otherwise and I thought this was fml worthy so I posted it lol.
Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML
Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML
Today, my wife figured out I gave her a dollar store ring for our anniversary. FML
Today, they opened a new firing range behind my housing block. No big deal, except they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the six guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML
Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML
Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "Hell". FML
Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML
Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML
Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML
Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML
Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML
Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML
Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML
Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML
Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML
Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML
Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML
Today, one day after our 12-year wedding anniversary, which my husband failed to acknowledge, I found a receipt in his pocket for chlamydia testing. We haven't had sex in two years. FML
Today, my now fully vaccinated puppy went to a restaurant for the first time. They allow clean, well-behaved dogs. He threw up everywhere from excitement. FML
Pupluv183 tells us more.
OP here. The restaurant allows dogs, saying its illegal when it's obviously not makes no sense. He is 5 months, more than a week after the vaccination. No way was he going anywhere the day of. He goes on walks in public (touristy) areas and has met many people and dogs. He had never thrown up before so that's why it was so surprising. He has been fine since so we just have to chalk it up to excitement. He was very well behaved but very upset that none of the food going by was for him. And no we absolutely can not leave him alone while we go out. He is like a toddler, I go pee and he has gotten into something, if there is nothing to get into he chews on furniture, if there's no furniture he chews himself and barks until he gets tired. We definitely want him social and coming out with us over all that.
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