Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML
Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML
Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML
Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned, "The bitch on the pot." FML
Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML
Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML
Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML
Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML
Today, I went hiking in China. I knew I was unfit, I didn't know I was "being overtaken by an old lady leading a donkey" unfit. FML
Earl_KarmasBitch tells us more.
OP here. I wasn't expecting this to get published. The longer version of the story is that with a couple of friends I decided to go on a hike through Tiger Leaping Gorge on the banks of the Yangtze River. One of the big problems with the hike is the altitude. Much of the hike is at around 2km above sea level. Basically, after around 4 hours of hiking almost continuously uphill I was pretty tired. One friend was also tired and took an offer to get a donkey ride to the top of the 28 bends (the most notoriously difficult part of the whole 2-day hike). The woman who owned the donkey wasn't actually that old, probably early 50's (I'm 40ish) and works taking travellers to the top of the bends. I was tempted to also get a donkey but elected to instead give my backpack to my friend on the donkey and try to race him up the slope on foot. The two of us actually hiking the bends set off while the woman who owned the donkey saddled it. I actually felt pretty good that it was only at the 16th bend that she managed to catch up with us. That was until I noticed that she'd decided that my bag was too heavy for the donkey and she was carrying it herself! But in the end I did complete the entire hike. Got some amazing photos and really enjoyed myself. Probably got a bit fitter too.
Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML
Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML
Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML
Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML
Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered, "Fucking tryhard." FML
Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML
Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML
salmone_fml tells us more.
Follow Up: it is a national test, so he couldn't go to the bathroom, and I couldn't disrupt the test by speaking. I stood nearby and cleared my throat loudly, that seemed to work, and he emerged from his jumper (sweater) fairly quickly. I would say given that all he wrote on the test was his name, he probably did not do very well. Finally, there are some very nasty, judgemental people on here. Perhaps you should try to live a little more kindly and gently.
Today, I was taking a quiz online called "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" I quit after two questions because I remembered I don't actually have any friends. FML
bish_wut tells us more.
Hello, everyone! I'm the OP. I am so shocked/ excited this actually got posted! First off, thanks for all the kind comments, I smiled quite a few times haha. As for my friendless life, I am homeschooled due to many health problems I have, such as anxiety, so being home alone all day, it's quite hard to make friends. But I do realize I could do something about it instead of sitting here moaping. My birthday is in 2 days, so my sister is going to help me invite some neighbors and hopefully I can make some friends :) (#3 and #4, thanks friends :D) Thanks for the luck everyone, I think I'll definitely need it.
Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML
Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML
Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML
Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML
Today, I realized I am more confident running a million-dollar piece of construction equipment than I am around people of the opposite sex. FML
Today, I threw a party. My drunk boyfriend decided to bring my 50-inch flatscreen TV downstairs from our bedroom. The TV didn't make it. FML
Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML
Today, my boyfriend lost his temper at me for the first time ever after 2 years of dating, and actually raised his voice. It turned me on, and I don’t just mean on, I mean OOONNNNNN. I was so wet it ran down my thighs and made an obvious damp spot in my jeans. FML
Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML
Today, I spent hours hand-painting an awesome design on a gift for a friend. My husband was supposed to assemble it when I finished, but when I stepped back to admire my work, he informed me that the whole thing was sideways. He watched me paint it. FML
Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML
Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML
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