Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML
Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML
Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML
Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML
Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML
Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML
Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML
Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML
Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML
Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML
Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML
Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML
holluphollup tells us more.
holluphollup 12
OP here. I'm here to explain this a little better. Ok so first off, I'm under 18 so therefore I can't leave. Second, my mother wants to do this because she wants to be a midwife, and Guatemala has cheap midwifery classes and programs. You might say she's doing this to help us financially, but my dads a doctor so that takes care of itself. Also, my mom has horrible back problems. At times she can barely move without hurting. If she's like this, then how will she be able to perform her job well? ( Surgery isn't an option because everyon we've tried has failed). I'm 17 and I've been in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I'm at the top of my class, and I have a real shot into getting into a prestigious university. I also have very deep connections with the people here. I don't want to throw this away. I don't mean to be rude and thwart my moms dreams, but it's just not what's best right now in my opinion. Hope this answered a lot of your questions. Also, thanks for all the support I really appreciate it. :)
Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML
Today, my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML
Today, after driving to three drug testing clinics that were approved for my job, each one declined me, saying they don't do testing anymore. Now I have to drive another 25 miles to see if someone will say, "You're clean." FML
Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I started to panic. My teacher suggested that I should say whatever popped into my head. I blurted out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML
Today, my work informed me that they didn't process my pay in time, so I won't get paid until the end of next month. I have less than £10 to last me until then. FML
Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML
Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML
Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML
Today, my dad brought home a strawberry shortcake to celebrate my turning 21 at midnight. It looked amazing, but it would've been better if he'd remembered that I’ve been allergic to berries for 6 years now. FML
Noel J Reed tells us more.
Noel J Reed 10
Hi, op here. So I understand that while strawberries aren’t technically berries, I am in fact still allergic to them and pretty much every berry and berry like fruit, I’ve been hospitalized due to this so we all take it very seriously. And btw lobby_bee I’m not only a barely 5’2 woman, I’m a psychology major who is open to talk to you about all this anger you have for random people on the internet. Oh, and you misspelled grateful :)
Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML
Today, I'm traveling halfway around the world to see my long-distance boyfriend. Today, he informed me that he took the wrong days off from work and will not be joining me. FML
Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML
Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML
Today, I babysat a five year-old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML
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