Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Today, I decided to be healthy and drink a tall glass of water whilst doing my assignment that is due in three days. I managed to spill the entire glass over my laptop. I flipped it over and used a hairdryer to dry it off. While doing that, I managed to melt my keyboard. FML
Today, I found out that the love of my life had been pleasuring himself to pictures of my ex-boyfriends. Yes, he's bisexual. He says it's ok because I'm dating him now. Great. FML
Getting freaky
Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man off the woman, turns out they were just "getting frisky" FML
Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML
Today, I was running late for work. My windshield had completely frozen over. I didn’t have anything to dissolve the ice..except some coffee I had made 30 minutes earlier. I decided to dump my coffee on my windshield. Instead of dissolving the ice, the creamer froze on entire windshield. FML
Today, I went to get minor surgery done. I have anxiety and a phobia of needles, so they gave me laughing gas. It gave me a panic attack. FML
demideity tells us more.
demideity 13
OP here. I couldn't post for the longest time as I was having a problem authenticating my account. Anyways, I looked up the symptoms for anxiety vs panic attack. While I have general anxiety, I do indeed get panic attacks as well. My symptoms mostly match up with a panic attack.
Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a fight about his pervert friend who regularly shows blatant disrespect for our marriage, including sending me inappropriate texts. Apparently this friend should have my full trust, and apparently I am the one with the issue for not excusing his bad behavior. FML
Today, as an overprotective mother, I asked my 19 year-old son, who was going to spend his day on the beach, if he’d taken any protection with him. He pulled out a box of condoms, beaming with pride. I was talking about suntan lotion. FML
Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML
Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML
Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML
Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically." She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless." FML
Be careful what you post on the Internet…
Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML
Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML
Today, I decided to drink a tea that I was told is good for regulating the intestine and losing weight. I was drinking it all day. This evening, while on a dinner date with my crush, I suddenly felt some action in my belly and ran to the bathroom. I stayed in there for a half hour and when I finally came out, he was already in the car. FML
Pleased to meet you
Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML
Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML
Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML
Today, I was threatened with eviction over $6.25. They waited three days to tell me and left me one business day to get it done. Six fucking dollars and 25 goddamn cents. FML
lululand315 tells us more.
lululand315 12
Wow. So many trolls. I'm the author, forgot to sign in when I posted it. First, I live in Northern Virginia, not DC, although I'm not far from it. There aren't people banging on the door to get in here, though. Second, it's an apartment complex so no bank or mortgage involved. Third, I had been sick in the hospital for most of the past 3 weeks. So my rent was 2 days late due to illness. I paid the late fee of $200 dollars without a complaint. (Most late fees are only $50 in comparison.) I simply misread the amount of the late fee. The $6.25 seemed to be an admin fee of sorts. They absolutely had the power to cut me some slack since it's such a small amount. It's just a poorly run office. Fourth, VA isn't very nice to renters as a rule. They absolutely could've gone to the courthouse and gotten a '5 day pay or quit' notice. Which means if I didn't pay, on day 6 a sheriff's deputy would have showed up at my door and forcibly removed me, my daughter and our belongings. As an aside, homeowners in VA who get evicted are given about a week, not 30-60 days to move. Fifth, I desperately wanted to pay it in pennies. But they wouldn't even accept a personal check. It had to be a cashiers check or money order. So yes, I had to drive crosstown to the Walmart with the working money order machine and pay an additional 70 cents for a money order. Finally, when I turned in my rent + $200 late fee the man behind the desk made me wait while he opened the envelope and checked to see if the amount was correct. He told me it was fine so I thanked him for his time and left, thinking all was okay. They waited until 3 full days later to tell me about the 6.25, never admitting that the guy behind the desk had given me the wrong information and told me everything was okay, when it clearly wasn't. I had one business day to get it handled and I had a lot of important stuff going on that I had to put on hold bc of their incompetence. And yes, I will be writing to the higher ups to complain about it. To the poster who asked, I think I will write my next rent check in ******* dollars and goddamn cents. To all the trolls saying I'm trying to take advantage, I sincerely hope you never make an honest mistake after being sick in the hospital for 3 weeks.
Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML
Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML
Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML
Freaky
Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex yet, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite." Now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML
Procrastination
Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML
Two Scoops
Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML
Today, my therapist said, "Y'know, Sarah, you would be a lot happier if you laid off the cocaine." I don't do cocaine. I never have. FML
Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML
Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML