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Panic

By Lexy - 19/07/2021 14:01

Today, I'm so afraid of Covid, I lied to my friends to avoid hanging out with them every time I was invited. Yes, I've been vaccinated already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 1 371

By blower - 11/04/2011 04:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 888

You deserved it 9 314

Hazing ritual

By newguy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it's my third day at work and the hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 574

You deserved it 4 878

Never enough

By badenoughflowers - 14/01/2013 15:47 - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 777

You deserved it 3 604

By VoiceMail - 09/04/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 277

You deserved it 7 873

Bad doggo

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 636

You deserved it 5 000

Not now, dude!

By sammy - 26/03/2020 04:59 - Australia

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 649

You deserved it 549

Sign your name across my…?

By bitchonia - 28/03/2020 17:00 - Canada

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 735

You deserved it 1 645

Catching my breath

By Hamish - 22/07/2021 06:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I had an asthma attack while walking home with my friends. As I was struggling to breathe, they thought I was attention-seeking and left me on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 111

Losing

By twiggy24 - 05/02/2012 02:51 - United States

Today, I learned that my "Cash back rewards" for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 271

You deserved it 42 681

By wolfwolfy - 13/03/2010 07:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 114

You deserved it 13 359

By abbyleigh08 - 17/02/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 362

You deserved it 30 867

By Facepalmum - 10/01/2013 06:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 614

You deserved it 7 945

By carssuck - 02/02/2012 10:28 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 460

You deserved it 2 540

Unexpected

By kalazoo21 - 25/08/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 258

You deserved it 12 803

You tried!

By Noname - 15/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 969

You deserved it 51 010

By fannyfitel123 - 24/08/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 186

You deserved it 3 615

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 05:10 - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 034

You deserved it 3 584

By Kegronauer - 23/08/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I caught my dad squishing my stick-on bra cups in his hands, trying to figure out what they are. He's an engineer who graduated from MIT. I still don't think he knows what they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 309

You deserved it 4 342

avidfmylife tells us more.

avidfmylife 6

Monday 24 August 2009 5:38

haha the comments are all great. I'll clarify a couple things: 1) I accidentally left my stick-on bra cups in a main part of the house where he easily found them 2) I was embarrassed that he found them and that I caught him but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. It's "FML" because my dad was squishing my bras. It's "YDI" because I left them out where he found them. I decided it was better to not embarrass both of us by confronting him and explaining what they are, so I just pretended I didn't notice and left the room.

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 02:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 048

You deserved it 7 850

By fucked five ways to friday - 03/01/2013 23:36 - United States - Stayton

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 2 458

Good impressions last

By icarlypoop - 11/04/2020 23:00

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 494

By habassistant - 02/01/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 082

You deserved it 5 258

By Cheating - 27/01/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 908

You deserved it 3 192

Sorry…

By Anonymous - 08/03/2010 00:44 - Australia

Today, I was listening to a client's heartbeat with a stethoscope, when I noticed one of my hairs had fallen on her chest. I tried to brush it off, but it didn't move, so I went to pick it up with my fingers. That's when I found it it wasn't my hair, it was hers... and it was still attached. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 236

You deserved it 6 008

By Jen_ - 26/01/2012 22:08 - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 506

You deserved it 3 035

That joke isn't funny anymore

By Anonymous - 05/03/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I jokingly asked my husband at what age does he think we’ll stop having sex. His instant response was, “Dunno, at what age do you want to be divorced so I can remarry a woman half your age who still rides cowgirl?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 833

Quote of the day

By lol - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 214

You deserved it 30 872

By FromNL - 25/03/2011 12:22 - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 859

You deserved it 6 627

By MariadelMar - 19/08/2009 15:03 - United States

Today, I flew 8 hours to visit my boyfriend. When I arrived at the airport, and he started taking long to show up, I checked my email to see the info. I hit the junk mail by accident and found his last 10 emails in there. He had broken up with me a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 684

You deserved it 16 306

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got written up for drinking on the job by a manager who drinks on the job, who was told to write me up by a general manager who drinks on the job, and we are all employed by an owner who drinks on the job. I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 572

You deserved it 5 662

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 789

You deserved it 29 459

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 885

You deserved it 4 231

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 705

You deserved it 3 501

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 267

Today, I had my window open while playing my Xbox when my angry neighbour came over and kicked my ass for spying on his wife in the shower. Apparently, my room is opposite their bathroom, but my TV faces the opposite way, so I wasn’t even facing the right direction to be spying. Plus, his wife is ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 140