Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML
Today, while picking up a birthday cake, I was screamed at by an upset woman for getting special attention from the bakers, and that I was nothing more than an attention-hogging slut. The bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML
Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became obsessed with the "Cotton-eyed Joe" song. He won't stop playing it. FML
Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML
Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML
Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML
Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML
Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML
Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML
Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML
Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML
Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year-old guy. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML
Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML
Today, I was pulled over for speeding and was shocked that the cop asked me out. Before I could respond, he noticed my wedding ring, said "Nevermind" and then gave me a ticket. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML
Today, I was at the library. I had to use the restroom, where I ended up singing in bad, made-up Japanese the whole time. When I went back across the library, my brother informed me that everyone could clearly hear me. FML
Singer_Song tells us more.
I'm the OP. The reason I say Japanese specifically is because I do know a few words and included them in the song. I do love anime. I'm actually a really good singer, I've bee compared to Evanescance (I'm not trying to show off I have no reason to show off to online strangers). I was singing because I had a tune in my head and was being silly. Also the restroom is in the back of the Library so I didn't think it would go that far. I didn't know because not a single person made a face or anything.
Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML
Today, I found out that rats have made my car their new home. I haven't even finished paying it off yet. FML
InfestedCarOwner tells us more.
Hey Guys, OP here! I'm amazed this got posted, haha. As for my rat situation - Thank you for all the suggestions. I'll definitely try and trap them in the sticky traps. For anyone telling me to clean my car, I work in pizza delivery and my cars actually very clean. I have to clean it on a regular basis, But that doesn't mean it won't smell like food all the time. A little extra backstory, Our neighbors had a rat infestation, too. We're assuming that whichever rats survived decided to make our trash cans their home, and since my car is right next to the trash cans, They got in. Also, For the people saying to use cats - A family member suggested we use our kittens to get them out. Which I'm not going to do.
Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML
Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML
Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML
Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML
Today, my boyfriend knocked into me with his car. I drove myself to the hospital because he couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. FML
Today, I'm still awake from not sleeping last night. The reason? At 2am I was in my garage when all of a sudden someone's phone went off outside. I live in the country and no one should be out there. Looks like I'm not sleeping for the next few weeks. FML.
countryb_cth tells us more.
OP here, wow I can't believe this actually got posted. I want to say thank you for the kind words, it was deffinatly nerve racking. To clear some things up, no we did not call the cops. The reason is once I heard the phone go off I woke up my mom and she turned on all the outside lights scaring whoever it was off. (I could tell because their phone went off again but that time the sound was farther away) Also I could tell it was a cell phone from how close it was and ring tones are easy to recognize. For the people saying it could be someone passing through, I highly doubt it since my back yard is fenced and my neighbors are not close together at all. However we are thinking it might be just some teenagers, since when housing construction was going on across the road from us some teens snuck into the unfinished houses, so it could be just them. Thankfully though my parents lock up the gates to the back yard and have a motion sensor camera set up that sends a message to your phone when triggered. We also own 3 dogs, one of which is a great dane. He's a big baby but his bark sure is scary. We hope the person doesn't come back again, if they do we will be calling the cops. There has only ever been one break in the neighborhood and we hope to keep it that way.
Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML
Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML
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