Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML
Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML
Today, I took a trip to the library's public computer section to get some important work done. After a bit of work, I went to stretch only to see that the man next to me was watching some adult films on his computer and discreetly touching himself. I still had 58 minutes of computer time left. FML
Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML
Today, I was in the restroom at work, snickering at some funny stories on my phone while I took a dump. Little did I know that the asshole in the next stall would report me to our boss, claiming he'd heard weird noises, then looked over the divider and witnessed me jacking off to porn. FML
Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML
Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML
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Top comments
HowieDoIt 21
That ********-ated dickly...
BntyHntrSeattle 30
If you find him, tell him to whack off the premises...
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Comments (67)
BntyHntrSeattle 30
If you find him, tell him to whack off the premises...
perdix 31
The whole premises? He could get tennis elbow from doing that!
mb2_native 15
They also have treatments for that, so he's good to go.
HowieDoIt 21
That ********-ated dickly...
Pleonasm 36
It ejaculated quite quickly if you ask me!
Valdrek 26
Cum now gentleman, lets **** quit while we're ahead and beat it, especially you pleonasm. I don't want to come off as a jerk, but don't push the argument with me as I am a master(de)bater. Now if you do have a sperm moment, I semen coming in the distance and could use some backup incase things get whacky. Yeah I know I was clutching for straws at the end there :P.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
That was horrid. Let Pleonasm have that job..
Valdrek 26
Thank you ma'am. And I hope Ezio continues to bring you happiness
Pleonasm 36
Now, now, guys, let's not all slap our dicks on the table here, this isn't a pissing contest. But I always found it quite funny to get told to stop punning via the medium of punning ;) Anyhow, no need for everyone to be so stiff about this.
Valdrek 26
Erection you may be right about this pleo, now let the bell end it all.
HowieDoIt 21
I hope everyone can get along and rub this one out. I know we're balls deep in frustration here, so we have to think long and hard of how to forgive. It'd be so satisfying to see a happy ending here!
Valdrek 26
Haha I love it
KiddNYC1O 22
Spank you, #16... For nuttin.
momo3p 22
69 upvotes
apaloosa_fml_fml 21
So unsanitary!
bernardbrown 7
That is a sticky situation there.
mb2_native 15
You're a sticky situation.
Jacksparrow72 21
What a jerk off.
HeartOfLead 24
I agree, too many wankers think with their shift instead of their head. In other words "use your noodle before using your noodle".
BadApple88 29
Hand sanitizer is your friend
Cbizzlez 10
Semen that's why you should sanitize your equipment cuz jerk-offs don't care
ManInTheMachine 20
Get a UV light or a light that brings up bodily fluids and investigate. Who knows, you might even find a crime scene. Look for THAT in the confessionals!
perdix 31
Gives new meaning to the term "keystroke."
Pleonasm 36
And Numb-Lock ;)))
ManInTheMachine 20
Sony forget the Sticky-keys. Definitely sticky keys.
ManInTheMachine 20
****, *Don't.
Pleonasm 36
I know Sony are some shady mofos, but I don't think they'd intentionally **** on all my keys! (what's wrong with your spelling today? Don't blame autocorrect!)
ManInTheMachine 20
I dunno. Guess I'm a little rusty after taking an extended leave of absence from FML. I also noticed Keevarou is back.
Pleonasm 36
Should I feel ashamed I don't know who that is? I think I'm too asocial, and this is the internet. Gosh. I feel so alone. *cries*
HowieDoIt 21
Don't worry Pleo, he meant Kleenex, the auto correct got him again
Pleonasm 36
That makes more sense. MITM, get a grip! Err, wrong choice of words. I mean, control your discharging!
ManInTheMachine 20
No I meant Keevarou. He goes pretty far back.
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Pleonasm, you've just got to get used to being the new kid around these parts. You'll learn. ;)
Pleonasm 36
I'm not new, I've lurked for years :'( Just not well enough, I guess.
HeartOfLead 24
MWell, since were all reminiscing here, I really miss Flockz and wish Freeze would comment more often along with KaySL...l
Fmylab 8
That's really gross, but it's not news that people are gross. You went looking for people's dark secrets, found one that's honestly not that surprising, so YDI for being grossed out.
GingerNinja7 17
I'd probably want to know if someone was jerking off and using my things too, at least so i'd know to replace it or wash it
SirCharles83 13
In that case 44, I've been jerking off and using all of your things. You're welcome. Not for telling you, but for the act itself.