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By SlowLane - 11/09/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 344

You deserved it 2 842

Feed me

By Anonymous - 16/04/2011 08:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 641

You deserved it 33 507

Bride of Chucky

By spooked - 22/11/2013 06:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 905

You deserved it 3 812

By tiredeolfatty - 21/09/2012 02:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 613

You deserved it 4 545

By axwound - 27/12/2009 13:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 567

You deserved it 29 292

By dwood08 - 07/11/2014 01:55 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 039

You deserved it 15 941

By anonymous - 13/06/2012 16:58 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I went to a concert. One of my favorite bands was performing, and I'd had the ticket for seven months, with a great seat for the show. It was all going perfectly, that is until a guy twice my height sat in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 300

You deserved it 2 211

Privacy

By whyme27 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 962

You deserved it 4 492

Unbelievable

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 302

You deserved it 79 071

By Palf - 30/08/2010 11:40 - Germany

Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 517

You deserved it 27 160

By becca - 21/08/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 378

You deserved it 39 391

By Rizzle - 04/10/2009 07:50 - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 746

You deserved it 45 158

By neverthesame - 29/03/2012 02:53 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 538

You deserved it 2 175

By raven_teen_titan - 04/03/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 670

You deserved it 3 518

David Attenborough

By types - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he was going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 500

You deserved it 3 744

By smellyfeet - 01/06/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 116

You deserved it 5 695

By GoAggies - 21/06/2016 17:11 - United States - Herriman

Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 048

You deserved it 2 513

By Just_Me_88 - 14/02/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 322

You deserved it 3 249

By carboncoach - 13/12/2013 17:24 - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 821

You deserved it 3 412

By oboy - 01/03/2010 05:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 344

You deserved it 7 417

By lonelynessinCA - 14/03/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 032

You deserved it 9 787

By carr - 04/03/2011 16:25 - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 018

You deserved it 3 560

Oh no…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Minneapolis

Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It's the only test I've passed all month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 816

You deserved it 52 410

By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was "really his own best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 969

You deserved it 3 243

By jshibbz0993 - 23/11/2011 15:16 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 527

You deserved it 6 100

First and last date

By hairless by death - 13/08/2013 16:07 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 310

You deserved it 4 244

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 294

You deserved it 2 803

What's up doc?

By fml - 29/07/2012 12:20 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 705

You deserved it 5 859

By frenchboyfriend - 14/11/2010 00:28 - Australia

Today, was my girlfriend's birthday. I planned it to perfection: we went shopping, bowling, had lunch in a nice Italian restaurant, watched a French comedy, walked by the river. She also got many presents. Tonight, I was exhausted but happy for her... until she told me her birthday is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 795

You deserved it 38 313

frenchboyfriend tells us more.

frenchboyfriend 0

Monday 15 November 2010 5:51

The next day (on her actual birthday), I wished her a happy birthday again and luckily I still had a present for her (I had planned on giving her the nicest present right before bed the previous night but when she told me her birthday was the next day, I kept it for her real birthday!). :-)

By Anonymous - 23/07/2012 15:41 - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 046

You deserved it 8 268

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 996

You deserved it 84 011

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 197

You deserved it 25 177

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 439

You deserved it 42

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 617

You deserved it 4 306

Today, I finally realized how stupid I am, when I answered a question correctly in class and my teacher started clapping and cheering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 888

You deserved it 4 516

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 528

You deserved it 5 543