Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML
Today, my cellphone-hating teacher called someone during class, so I called him out about it. Turned out his wife was having a tumor removed, and he was calling to see if she was okay. FML
HBSLICE tells us more.
HBSLICE 11
all I did was make a joke about his policy and he blew the **** up. he is the kind of guy that gives you 3 days of detention if your phone vibrates in your pocket. real nazi.
Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML
Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML
Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML
Lucachoo tells us more.
Lucachoo 9
So yeah, storing money in the oven is a terrible idea. My bf (we'll call him Huck because he's a dumbass) is a bit paranoid and insisted on hiding the money somewhere where burglars couldn't find it. I told him it was fine since our nearest neighbors are a couple miles away but he insisted so I just gave up. Didn't realize that idiot would hide the cash in the oven then have a huge brain fart and use the oven to cook. We aren't complete idiots though, we do keep our life savings in the bank. The reason Huck put money in the oven was because we live on a farm that's a bit distant from the nearest major bank. We keep some money on hand in case something breaks and we have to fix it or make repairs and such. It's quicker when we have the money on hand. Otherwise we'd have to spend a couple hours driving to the bank, buying supplies, then coming back. Also while money does burn at 451 degrees, 451 degrees is the auto-ignition point of paper (the temperature that paper catches fire without being exposed to an external flame). So if the air temperature was 451 degrees the money would have burned but Huck put the money at the bottom of the oven, right on top of the hot metal burner thingy (I don't know what it's called) and that metal thing gets red hot. But yeah, Huck realized his stupidity after the oven finished preheating and managed to save some of the money though a third of it still burned to some degree. I'm still pretty pissed regardless and kinda feel like shoving Huck into the oven as well. The fact that he was trying to be nice by cooking dinner is the only thing preventing me from completely going apeshit on him. The first thing I'm making him do is go to the bank and try to replace the money. And he will never be in charge of safekeeping money ever again.
Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML
Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me, "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML
Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML
Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML
Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML
Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML
Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML
Today, I woke up to my husband taking a piss on our bedroom floor. I screamed that he wasn't in the bathroom, to which he responded, "Shut up! I'm taking a piss, let me finish!" He has no recollection of the event. Now I have to clean up his piss and rewash my clothes. FML
MilleeMacabre tells us more.
Yes. He was drunk. That's my husband for ya.
Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML
Today, after spending the past four days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law patted my head and said, "I'll go get some salt." FML
Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML
Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating ice cream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML
Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML
Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML
Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML
Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML
Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML
Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML
Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML
Today, I woke up and decided that I no longer give a fuck what I look like. Today is also the day a very attractive exchange student joined my private band lessons. FML
Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML
Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML
Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML
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