Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn't go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one-hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200 metres from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door, I peed my pants. FML
Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML
Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML
Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with Super Glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML
Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML
Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML
Today, I was playing tetherball with my younger brother. I get really competitive, so I threw it as hard as I could. It came around and hit me in the face. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML
Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML
Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML
Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML
Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML
Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML
Today, my husband sent me a link to an article titled "5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage." FML
fullalove tells us more.
fullalove 23
Hey guys. Let me start off by saying how excited I am that I got published! Obviously there is a story behind fml. My husband and I have been together since I was 14, and married since 19 (I'm 21 right now). We have No problems communicating with each other, but we just recently lost a set of twins, which has been really hard on both of us. We have both been dealing with it in our own way, and at times it feels it is tearing us apart. We both have sat down and attempted to work things out together, but at the moment it feel as if nothing will ever be the same. I have shut him out from time to time, which I definitely have tried not to do, but sometimes it feels as if I need to work things out with myself. As for the article, him and I got into it this morning, and I left for work angry. When I got off, I turned on my phone to see the link, which I clicked to the unfortunate page. I did read through it, and it's sad to say I was guilty of a few. I will be working on myself, because I love my husband, and I don't want this tragic event to be the end of us.
Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML
Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML
Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML
Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML
_kyleG_ tells us more.
_kyleG_ 34
An explanation is probably in order here. I am mentally and socially handicapped, brainwashed, and a worthless burden. My father is a pillar of the community, a family man, and loves his poor, misguided child dearly. -according to dear old dad, at any rate. So, fact check: I've just graduated high school with a 3.9 and lots of AP credits. I'll be going to college on academic scholarship as a biology major this fall. I'm currently working full time in auto finance. Also, I'm dating the most beautiful girl in the world. My father(or ex-father?) is an abusive passive-aggressive narcissist. The last time I saw him, the police had to intervene so I could leave school without being forced to go with him. He didn't want to pay child support any longer, so the moment I turned 18, he filed for emancipation. I have a court date in about a month, to get rid of the bastard's name and take my mother's maiden name. I'm happy, and this is all for the best. Thank you all for your kind words- this community is awesome :)
Today, my mother asked me if I'd heard of anal sex. Before I could fully process her question, she explained that it's dangerous because the tissues of the anus are finer and more susceptible to STDs. There were still forty minutes left in our car ride. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML
Today, I had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce. FML
Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML
Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML
Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML
Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML
Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML
Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML
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