Today, I fucked up a relationship, by accident, and then they broke up. FML
Today, I accidentally used wood stain instead of hairspray. Surprisingly, it doesn't come out that easily. FML
Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML
Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML
Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML
Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML
Today, I'm cat sitting for some friends. Their whiskey selection is well curated and top notch. I grabbed a bottle that I thought was the cheapest, I ended getting drunk on a $500 bottle. I’m going to have to fill it with a lesser brand. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I went to a new doctor for an injury. Instead, the doctor only focused on my weight and tried to basically prescribe me anorexia. She tried to tell me that 750 calories a day was fine and brushed off my exercise regimen as, "Exercise is great, but you'll lose weight faster if there are no calories to burn." FML
Today, I paid for earrings at a craft fair. A kid came up from behind and started crying. The kid's mom said the kid saw earrings first and dropped them to grab an adult. The kid was allowed to cry hysterically until the hall went silent. I said, “You can have it.” Suddenly, the kid stops crying and the mom goes, “Oh that’s so kind, are you sure?” FML
Today, I sent a question to a newspaper self-help column about how I often feel ignored. I quickly received a note telling me to not feel ignored, but due to the volume of questions, I would likely not receive a response. FML
Today, it’s the fifth day in a row that my mom has vacuumed right outside my room, from 5 to 11 AM. Despite this, I still can’t fall asleep before midnight. FML
Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML
Today, I discovered that whenever my house is affected by a blackout, the cooler for my Xbox will turn on by itself when it's fixed. My Xbox cooler flashes repeatedly, alternating between several bright colors, when it turns on. If I'm asleep when it happens, which is often the case, it wakes me up. Every. Time. FML
Today, at a funeral, I'd told my autistic son it would be over at 11:30. By 11:33 he was loudly complaining the funeral should be over, and could we leave because he was bored. I had to drag him out, still loudly complaining about the time, while 50 relatives glared absolute daggers at us. FML
Today, my long distance friend-with-benefits informed me she's now in a relationship with an amazing guy. I should be happier for her, as even I admit he is perfect for her. Too bad I just spent over a thousand dollars on plane tickets to visit her. The tickets are completely nonrefundable. FML
Today, I thought it'd be funny to give my younger brother a wedgie. I found the thong I thought I'd lost. FML
Today, I found out that my soon-to-be ex-wife had installed a Ring front door camera. The way I found out was when the PowerPoint presentation I was supposed to present at work started with the footage of me taking my girlfriend to the house when my wife wasn’t around. The next slide said, “Call your lawyer.” FML
Today, my boyfriend spent forty minutes making pasta sauce when we had a perfectly good jar of pasta sauce in the pantry. FML
So much sass from such a small dog!
Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years completely lost it because last night I told him I wanted to move to a less remote area so I can be independent. He shouted that I bring no money in, he has to do everything, and that I that I snore so loud he can hear me from downstairs where he sleeps. I'm pregnant. We are in our 40s. FML
Today, I tried to break up a fight between two of my coworkers. They decided to show their gratitude by smashing me in the face with a thick ceramic dish. FML
Today, I’m in danger of losing my job as a full time carer because my charge, an autistic 11 year-old, hasn’t eaten a thing in 3 days because he wants a meal that doesn’t actually exist, which he saw in one of his online cartoons. I have no idea what to do. FML
Today, I told my boss that my grandma died to get a day off work, but then my grandma showed up at the office looking for me because she wanted to go shopping. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he never seems to have his own opinion, always agrees with me, and does whatever I want. That’s when he admitted he’s scared of me and is terrified of saying or doing anything I won’t like. I have no idea what I did to scare him this badly. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me, after he intentionally made me fat so that I wouldn't leave him. FML
Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML
Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I'd bought. She looked at it and said, "This is pathetic. You shouldn't even bother." FML
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