Zoning out

What are you doing?

Today, my mom caught me absentmindedly staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML

Good boy

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food, and continue cuddling. FML

Once you see it…

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

Well played, you mutt

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

Unstable

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML