Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML
Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML
Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my upcoming birthday. Mindful of our budget, I said I just wanted to relax at home all day and then get a nice dinner with her. She blew up and yelled that I'm "using my birthday to be a lazy slug." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I lit my birthday candles on the cake I made myself and blew them out alone, while my worthless husband sat on the couch stuffing Doritos in his face. My present? He sprayed Lysol in the bathroom after he took a dump. FML
Today, it's my 23rd birthday. My family - parents, siblings, and two cousins - asked to visit to help me celebrate. I agreed and spent some time cleaning my place up some. The catch: I relaxed a bit and did it while nude. It felt so nice, I forgot I was nude, so when they came at noon… well, it wasn't the birthday suit I'd hoped they'd see. FML
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Top comments
core01 30
It must suck to have someone offer you their body and provide clear guidance on what they're comfortable with or not. /s
diraven 15
Your wife is very organized. Mine just slaps me if I touch the wrong thing
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Comments (8)
RichardPencil 32
Bad spelling is such a turn-off. What? She won't let you stick it in her icehole, her ponzi or the moth? And you can't play with her tots? Is that what's troubling you, bunky?
core01 30
It must suck to have someone offer you their body and provide clear guidance on what they're comfortable with or not. /s
ChipBoundary 9
Doesn't actually sound like they are offering their body at all. Sounds like the what might be on the list is an unenthusiastic hand job at most. If there's limitations on what can happen in the bedroom, and those limitations don't align with your partner in any way, shape, or form....do both of you a favor and find someone else. Offering their body? Good God, what is this, Sunday School? Not as great a gift as some people might think.
core01 30
ChipBoundry: I hope you will always feel comfortable telling someone not to shove things up your ass.
rebelwithmouseyhair 18
Some people don't know when they're lucky
rebelwithmouseyhair 18
There are plenty who'd envy OP. Maybe you have girls fighting to get off with you, not everyone is a rock star.
kfchicken 31
it's not about being a rock star, it's about ops wife clearly caring very little about their intimate moment. she didn't bother to spell simple things correctly, that shows she's putting very little though into his "gift". op is also implying that the length of the list shows she doesn't want to do much with him either. i.e emotionless, vanilla sex which is not great indicator for a healthy relationship.
MeganBPD 4
This was perfectly stated. 👏🏻
MeganBPD 4
That was a perfect response to this. 👏🏻
phybreawptic 13
Fairly certain this is also about the way she went about presenting this. Being greeted naked by your SO on your birthday was probably a nice surprise. Immediately to be followed up by a what sounds to be a long list of things that are "off of the menu." Which, in that moment, probably took some of his initial joy away and he was frustrated.
diraven 15
Your wife is very organized. Mine just slaps me if I touch the wrong thing
Brightside86 31
Weird that she doesn't just trust you.
rebelwithmouseyhair 18
Yes, the fact that she had to provide a list is very telling OP. Basically she doesn't trust you not to respect her boundaries. Unless you only got married last week and she was saving herself for marriage, there's really no excuse. So YDI through and through.
phybreawptic 13
Why are we assuming this is all on OP? Maybe she knew that what she did would get a reaction out of him and she takes joy in that. Not saying it is that way but jumping to the conclusion that this guy is a scumbag is a bit much.
EBrogen 12
Just skip it and get a off the wall crazy nutjob side chick. Be the most fun in 3 weeks you'll ever have. Just don't give her your real name, phone number or country of origin. Tell her you're the son of the Afghanistan president and your Volkswagen is due to come in any day filled with cash. Don't worry, she won't be able to pronounce his name either, just refer to him as pop.
MeganBPD 4
Boundaries can be hard eh? Sucks to know what someone is okay with. Honestly, dude.. this was so poorly said. I get that the list kinda diminished the effect but.. maybe think a bit before you speak on this topic again lol. (Its clear that it wasn’t meant the way it sounded, though. You’re not so much bothered by having boundaries, it’s the list of no-gos that kinda killed the mood).