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Marking territory

By Anonymous - 02/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 778

You deserved it 350

By blabla - 23/12/2008 08:57 - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 374

You deserved it 4 777

By why - 04/10/2018 13:30 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because, "Bros before hoes." They met for the first time last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 387

You deserved it 414

Thanks, I guess…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 644

You deserved it 374

Cooking for none

By Mia - 26/01/2019 02:00

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 2 457

By Anonymous - 01/03/2017 20:00

Today, our 2-year-old poured honey on our baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 963

You deserved it 423

By IamTheSalt - 25/04/2017 02:00

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 156

You deserved it 389

By Mitch - 08/11/2016 04:50

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 182

You deserved it 761

By hate - 06/07/2017 11:58

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 261

You deserved it 463

Red flags

By SM - 30/10/2009 03:35 - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 882

You deserved it 2 056

By oneloveliz - 17/09/2017 23:15

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 502

You deserved it 1 582

By Honest mistake - 18/04/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 433

You deserved it 5 238

ur mom gay

By Anonymous - 02/05/2018 01:30

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 334

You deserved it 741

He doesn't even go here!

By ladyofzanarkand - 25/05/2018 20:30

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 173

You deserved it 250

Stuck in a rut

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 186

You deserved it 344

By Chantraine - 26/08/2018 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after a long day at work, I grabbed some flowers for my fiancée. As I got to my front door, I heard screaming inside. Thinking there was a burglar, I Immediately ran to where the screams were originating. My bride-to-be was screwing my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 612

You deserved it 218

By Sunflare - 21/09/2018 17:30 - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my landlady gave me exactly one day to move out. I'm not even in the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 979

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 28/01/2017 02:00

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over two weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 962

You deserved it 1 941

By Wow - 23/12/2018 16:00

Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 656

You deserved it 156

Annoying

By bluebird97 - 28/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me four times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift two days in a row, because apparently that's "insensitive" of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 794

You deserved it 276

By Unistudent - 30/01/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 2 405

By CatofSteel - 05/03/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 917

You deserved it 581

After careful consideration…

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 20:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 1 715

By alone - 20/04/2019 02:00

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been talking to another girl behind my back about how much he hates being with me. Turns out he’s been talking to her everyday for 3 months, and she kept pushing him to leave me, but he was only staying because I cook for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 823

You deserved it 238

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 455

You deserved it 3 982

By Ctmusher - 14/04/2017 16:00

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 990

You deserved it 424

By Meetingman - 20/12/2016 08:36

Today, our company did a photo-session for the website. The photographer was limping, and I immediately asked what's wrong with him. Then I noticed he was on a prosthetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 458

You deserved it 2 540

By GTA_VI - 01/12/2016 01:02

Today, a week after dropping my car off for the third time in a month at the dealership because of an unresolved issue, the dealership mistakenly reported the rental vehicle I'm using in the meantime as stolen. The police surrounded my work as I was meeting with a potential client. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 272

You deserved it 569

GTA_VI tells us more.

GTA_VI 0

Monday 5 December 2016 0:37

OP here. I had to stay where I was while the police talked to the dealership to get it sorted out. Once they realized I had the keys and the paperwork, they let me go. The dealership said this has never happened before and they're going to make it right by fixing my car for free as well as detailing and oil change.

By Anonymous - 23/06/2017 21:00 - Argentina

Today, I chose a new song to be the ringtone for my new cell phone. After waiting all day for someone to call me, I had to ask my husband, who was sitting right next to me, to call me or send me a message so I could hear how it sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 039

You deserved it 1 216

Fishy

By Cheated - 05/09/2023 22:00

Spicy

Today, it’s my honeymoon. I waited patiently for a year and a half to have sex since I respected her “No sex before marriage” rule. However, my new wife has a new rule: “Sex is for procreation and I’m not ready to have children yet.” How much longer should I wait to make love to the one I love now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 508

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The Top

The Top

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 659

You deserved it 2 853

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 535

You deserved it 28 466

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 472

You deserved it 3 645

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 070

You deserved it 274

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 620

Today, I woke up and got ready for class. I let the dogs outside while I got ready, then brought them back in. As I was putting my shoes on, I felt something warm and mushy. One of my dogs had pooped in my shoe right as I was leaving. I missed the city bus and was late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 197