Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML
Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me four times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift two days in a row, because apparently that's "insensitive" of me. FML
Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML
Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML
Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML
Today, I found out that my fiancé has been talking to another girl behind my back about how much he hates being with me. Turns out he’s been talking to her everyday for 3 months, and she kept pushing him to leave me, but he was only staying because I cook for him. FML
Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML
Today, I chose a new song to be the ringtone for my new cell phone. After waiting all day for someone to call me, I had to ask my husband, who was sitting right next to me, to call me or send me a message so I could hear how it sounded. FML
Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML
Today, it’s my honeymoon. I waited patiently for a year and a half to have sex since I respected her “No sex before marriage” rule. However, my new wife has a new rule: “Sex is for procreation and I’m not ready to have children yet.” How much longer should I wait to make love to the one I love now? FML
Today, I showed up on time for a job interview. After waiting for about three hours, I was informed that the manager had "better things to do" than interview me. FML
Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML
Today, I asked the guy I like if he wanted to go to lunch tomorrow at a local restaurant. He replied that he doesn't like their food. I think that's a no. FML
Today, I did my work, the work of my co-worker who called in sick and the work of my boss who has no idea what the hell is going on all at the same time. I didn't get a promotion because I don't work hard enough. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML
Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke my Xbox while I was playing Warzone. She said she heard me playing with another girl, and accused me of cheating. It was just the A.I. saying, "Copy, I’m on it." Anyone selling an Xbox One? FML
Today, both my flip flops broke when I left the pool. Since I was getting on the bus soon, I didn't think it was a big deal, but when it came the driver said that I couldn't get on without shoes and drove off. I walked barefoot for over an hour downtown to get home. FML
Today, I went out for the afternoon leaving my younger brother at home. He's never had a girlfriend, which I always put down to him being shy and a little overweight. Well, I came home early to walk in on him taking it up the arse from his uni buddy. Off the charts awkward. FML
Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML
Today, my girlfriend always assures me she doesn’t care if I’m a little overweight, yet in the past few weeks she’s bought me running shorts, new trainers, a set of professional barbells and weights, a "how to lose weight in your living room" book and installed a treadmill in the garage. FML
Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML
Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML
Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML
Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML
Today, I woke up and brushed my teeth as usual. My brother had decided it would be a good time to prank me and rubbed a ton of salt into my toothbrush. A while later, he stood outside the bathroom door repeatedly saying sorry. It was Epsom salt. FML
Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML
Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML
Today, at the restaurant, my boyfriend told his parents that we were going to get married. They pretended not to hear and had a discussion about the contents of their plates. FML
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