Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML
Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML
Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML
Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September 11th. Cue the long silence. FML
Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML
Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML
Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML
Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML
Today, while on an airboat exploring the Everglades, my cousin decided it would be funny to push me off the boat. Into water full of alligators. FML
Today, I still haven’t consummated my marriage with my new wife. She said no sex before marriage and I obliged for 2 long years. During our honeymoon, she kept making up excuses. Now when I sit down and talk to her, she calls me a “horny pervert” and accuses me of “using her for sex” and stormed off. FML
Today, I got fired from my job as a florist. Why? Because my boss made me come in with a stomach virus, and I threw up on the flowers in front of customers. FML
Symphoniaes tells us more.
Symphoniaes 32
Unfortunately in my state they don’t even need a reason for termination. :/ It’s fine though, I was only there temporarily to help with Mother’s Day and I have other resources available to me! ^~^
Today, while I have never been able to say my dog ate my homework, I do get to call several people and tell them my dog ate my wallet. He even chewed up my driver's license. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend’s friends secretly make fun of me. They call me “grandpa” and a “massive creep.” They’re in their 20s. My girlfriend is 22 and I’m 48. Apparently, dating a consenting legal adult is considered “creepy.” FML
Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML
Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML
Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML
Today, while wedding planning, my future MIL complained that the archway was too small for three people. Seeing my confused look, she explained, “Didn’t he tell you? I’m going to be at the altar with you two during the entire ceremony!” He even bought her a ring so she doesn’t feel “left out”. FML
Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML
Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML
Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML
Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML
Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML
Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML
Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML
Today, I had building maintenance come look at my water heater because my shower wasn't getting hot. He went over to my shower and turned the handle the other way, and I now had hot water. I've been taking cold showers for 2 months because the plastic water temp indicator was put in backwards. FML
Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML
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