patronuscat?
Meow!
Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Nice mental image
Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML
Not his SunShine anymore
Manchester, United States
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over something that happened 5 years ago. We've only been together for 2 years as of this July. FML
"Tarun Kumar"
Her plan!
Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML
TCRII
Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML
Noname
South Africa
Flewchart
Today, at a strategy session, my manager displayed a flowchart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML
MissAnonymous93
South Africa
Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML
lonely
United States
Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML
Rosie
WTF?
Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML
p!$$3D0FF
Australia
Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML
HedgehogFace
Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML
Anonyme
Takatsuki, Japan
Today, I live in Japan. I discovered that the toothpaste with the terrible taste that I’d been using for a month, and on which it says “Whitening” in non-Japanese characters, was in fact a skin whitening cream. FML
nabulio
Federal, Argentina
Today, I introduced a charming American girl to the local gastronomy. She said the wine was good but tingled slightly. It was Whisky-Cola. FML
Jackey
Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML
idated a moron
Dumbass
Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML
sirswank
Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML
ItchItchBaby
Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML
MissMoonpie
Leuven, Belgium
Today, I found out my father's girlfriend is moving in with us. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. FML
MissMoonpie tells us more.
MissMoonpie 15
OP here. To clear some things up, my dad and mum divorced like 9 years ago. The fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't bother me at all. It is more the fact that I know this trough my brother that bothers me. I'm at my dorm for a month because I have to take exams (in Belgium it is normal to spend the weekends at home and the weekdays in your dorm, but now I am at my dorm for a month), so I haven't seen my father for quite some time. When I found out she is going to move in with us was a complete shock for me. I don't know her, nor does she now me, and my father hadn't even told me about her. He called me (after I called my grandma because I was very upset) and said not to worry. If she's moving in, it will be for November. By that time I will have met her (hopefully).
Anonymous
Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML
paradox
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2020 but it's good stuff
Goldfinger
Today, I found out my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s important to wipe after he poops. FML
Mia
Mumbai, India 🌶️ Spicy
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML
booboo300
Thanks for nothing
Today, I picked up my Gardasil 9 HPV update shot that my doctor prescribed, only to discover that not only do I need three of them, they are $200 apiece. The guy I was dating who was the reason I needed the booster broke up with me on Friday. FML
Jayman223
Reno, United States
Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML
Levi2411
Make it stop
Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML
birkin
France
Today, I went to the Eiffel Tower with my boyfriend. We’d been talking about getting married for a while, and I'd always wanted an uncommon proposal. As we get to the top, my mind started to fantasize. As he rifled through his pockets, I think to myself, “This is it, our big moment!” He then says, “I've always wanted to smoke a cigarette at 300 meters." FML
RyloGhyst
Killeen, United States
Clever
Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML
Literal Baby-Daddy
Middlesbrough, United Kingdom
Today, my toddler threw a screaming, rampaging fit, because I ate the last chocolate mousse from the fridge. Did I forget to mention said toddler is actually my 52 year old dad? FML
B.B
New York, United States
Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML
rufus_t_firefly
Leicester, United Kingdom
Today, a customer at work asked me to ring her a taxi. The phone number she gave me was for a company 250 miles away. The woman on the other end thought I was deranged. FML
rufus_t_firefly tells us more.
Hi OP here. Basically I work in a houseware and DIY store and the customer was a bit awkward in the first place. As she was leaving she asked if I could ring her a taxi, and I said I could if she had the phone number. She gave me a business card with a number on which I rang but the lady on the other end hadn't heard of where I work so she asked what town I was in. When I told her I was in Leicester she told me she was in Cornwall which is right at the far south west of England. I don't know whether she thought I playing a prank or was some sort of idiot. The customer herself seemed surprised the number was for Cornwall so what she was doing with the business card I don't know. To top it all off after we told her we didn't have a local taxi number she went outside to ring her son. On her mobile phone.