The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

Today, my boyfriend and my sugar daddy found about each other. FML

Stingy

Today, I found out that my friends all think, "Don't worry about it" means "It's free." I'm a few thousand dollars in debt and they back each other like a gang. Never mind all the Aussies who say it means, "Pay slowly." FML

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

Long haul

Today, I was driving to visit my parents for the first time in two years. After spending about $4000 to make sure my car wouldn't break down on the journey, around the halfway point, the front tire popped and the engine blew out. I'm about 5 states away from both my parents and my home. FML

Today, I found out that my divorced father is moving 3 houses down the street with his girlfriend, with whom he cheated on my mom. He will now be living 3 houses away from my mother. FML

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML

Sorry sweaty

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

Hi!

Today, a 32 year-old man I've been dating for a few months finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home. Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

Bored to death

Today, I'm being paid to watch paint dry. I work for military defense, and the door l just painted is an opening for a secure lab, so has to be monitored nonstop. This cannot happen until the paint dries. The U.S. government is literally paying me to watch paint dry. FML

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

Today, my parents installed an air freshener above the toilet. While I was standing to pee, it sprayed me in the face. FML

Rare insults corner

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

Today, I was saying goodbye to my fiancée on a train station platform. I got on the train, the doors closed, and trying to be romantic, I blew on the glass to draw a heart in the condensation. It made the drawing of a previous passenger appear: a cock. FML

Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

Today, my mother pointed out to me how much my fiancé looks like my brother. She's right. I never noticed before, but now I can't unsee it. I don't think I'll ever be able to touch him again. FML

Book club gone wild!

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

Here for you

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

Today, at work I did inventory with my boss. He did the top shelves and I did the bottom ones. By the end, my knees were dirty and sore. I went home and my roommate asked me how my day went. I absent-mindedly said, "My boss had me on my knees all day." He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

Degrading

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

Cravings

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

Today, a few idiots were fooling around and they knocked down a porta-potty. The thing is, I was in that porta-potty. FML

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML