Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML
Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I thought it would be funny to tell him I was Iron Man and that nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later, he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML
Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML
Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML
Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML
Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML
Today, my boyfriend invited me to swim at his house. I'm very obese, so I had some reservations about it, but he assured me it'd be alright. Instead, the whole time I was treated to his mother commenting on my weight umpteen times, and his brother calling me "Moby Dick" and throwing pool noodles at me. FML
Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML
Today, my wife asked when I was going back to the gym because I am developing a belly, which she finds disgusting. I've just had surgery on my thigh, which was her fault for asking, “What’s this thing do?” while grabbing the handle to the jack holding up my car, dropping the car on my leg. FML
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Top comments
manofmerr 27
"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
Cynical_1 26
I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!
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Comments (23)
James Grant 2
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Calling faaakee
manofmerr 27
"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
lexos 16
Don't forget the winrar trial period
Cynical_1 26
I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!
OhPuhleeze 23
I bet they are working on that as I type this. why am I reminded more and more of Idiocracy every day?
manofmerr 27
I feel like i might need to start working quotes from idiocracy into my comments.
egnur_mas 19
That was my first thought after reading this.
slapstick1982 22
Hilariously written. True or not
livamour 17
Interesting that you insult the girlfriend and not your brother
sousaphonist 14
This sounds like a narrowly-averted Darwin Award
James Grant 2
Ironing boards are flat. No one says ironing board abs.
Catdragon 40
They do say ironing board chests if you're a girl though
jkjorn 18
Yeah, I think the usual term is "washboard abs", which makes the brother & gf doubly stupid.
GrannisGoddess26 5
Doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box. ?
great_nate 26
You can't fix stupid.
Moerighan 23
Pray they never procreate.