Today, I got a new employee. She was putting photos on her desk and I noticed a familiar face. When I asked who he was to her, she said, “My husband.” I had been dating this guy for the past three months. FML
tr3yr tells us more.
While I must say I thought that was a good idea... I did just that. Her response, “She did not care as long as he does not bring anything home to her.” I also found out that she filed for a divorce though but she said it was to “just teach him a lesson because he did not tell her.” When I confronted him he just kept lying and saying how he wanted to be with me but couldn’t think of being without his wife. So I just left it alone and cut off communication. It was starting to just be weird and I felt they had major issues to figure out with each-other. Needless to say I had her transferred to a different location.
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML
Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML
Today, I was draining the water from my fishbowl out into the kitchen sink. The fish was still in it and decided to go with the flow, literally, right into the garburator. I was too scared to stick my hand down there to save it; instead I panicked and turned the garburator on. FML
Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that roadrunners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML
Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML
Today, a tree fell on our 3-month-old family car. Today, I also learned that my husband never insured it. It's probably scrap, and we still have to pay it off for the next 5 years. FML
Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML
Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML
Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantle. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML
Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically." She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless." FML
Today, my two year-old is being potty trained. He got the gist of it and actually did #1 and #2 in the potty and after our little celebratory dance, I went to get him a cookie (which took me two seconds). I come back to see him covered in shit and pee because he tried to go empty the potty himself. FML
Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML
Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school anyway. We're now sitting in the emergency room. FML
Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML
Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML
Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML
Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelled the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML
Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML
Today, in bed, my wife took her vibrator and started masturbating. Feeling excited, I went down to help her. She told me to knock it off 'cause she couldn't focus. FML
Today, I was crying and telling my boyfriend about my problems. When he suddenly stood up, I thought that he was going to grab me some tissues. Turns out he'd gone to get earplugs. FML
Today, after recently getting stitches removed due to a surfing accident, I had to go to the hospital again to have my eye stitched up due to an idiot who brought a surfboard to a pool, got on it outside the pool, and it slipped from under him and into my face. FML
Michael292 tells us more.
Life is good, life is great, life is full of stitches...
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. I recognized him. He's the guy that broke into my car and stole my backpack two weeks ago. FML
Today, my mom asked me to back up her phone. When I downloaded all of her pictures and checked to make sure they were all saved, I accidentally saw the topless photos she's been sexting my dad. I can erase the files, but not the images in my mind. FML
blackbird8 tells us more.
OP here. Update: my mom asked me to back up her phone again this weekend :O Since she saves everything on her phone she doesn't have enough storage for updates, so I have to back up and clear her phone fairly frequently. This weekend she told me she needed me to back up her phone AGAIN...I politely declined. And then had to explain to her why #AWKWARD. It's not the fact that they're boobs (duh, I have boobs; 50% of the world has boobs) it's that they're sexts. Also, she took them at work. Apparently my parents have a wild side.
Today, I told my boyfriend the exact moment I fell in love with him: when we made eye contact in a crowd on our fifth date. He asked if I wanted to know what he was thinking at that moment. I then found out it was, "I really hope she can't smell that fart." FML
saashtow tells us more.
saashtow 8
OP here! I did laugh. That's all there was to do. It just caught me completely off guard, I was expecting something sweet or romantic. But it's definitely something that he would do. And no, I couldn't smell it because I have a sinus condition that prevents me from being able to smell- he just didn't know it at the time.
Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML
Today, my husband and I left for a two-month trip. Our roommate called us after 16 hours of driving to inform us that our dog was attacked and sprayed by a skunk and had rubbed all over our stuff. He now has to get shots and be tested for rabies, and we have to toss all our furniture. FML
CreeptacularBait tells us more.
OP here. A bit appalled at how many people are berating me about his shots! My dog DOES have his rabies shots. He had to have boosters as per the Animal Control Officer who came out. Second, the 'testing' is actually officers coming out and checking my dogs behavior after a week (I was not informed of that till later and was terrified they might kill my dog). The skunk attacked him, chased him around the yard, sprayed him, and continued to try and attack him and our roommate for a week after the intial incident. Our roommate would go to take out the trash or walk the dogs and the skunk would charge her and the dogs. We put out traps to try and catch it humanely and had no luck. This skunk terrorized my poor dog to the point he started having night terrors and actually pissed himself in his sleepyelping and crying in fear. Luckily he is doing fine otherwise and even though he did not enjoy his boosters, he was fully covered by his Rabies vaccine. Our roommate has made sure to give him lots of cuddles and love to help soothe him. My husband was so angry about it he violently kicked in his sleep and said he dreamed about the skunk attacking our dog and was trying to protect him. Being away when this happened has sucked and our roommate was also kind enough to get our furniture cleaned so we wouldn't have to throw it all away but we did have to get rid of it in the end. I hope that clears up some of it but try not to jump to conclusions!
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