Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML
Today, my husband "challenged" my daughter: if she could eat a whole raw onion, she could stay up as late as she wanted. I now have an onion with a whole bunch of little bites taken out, a pile of stinking onion puke, a crying daughter, and a husband laughing like a hyena. FML
Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML
Today, I asked my sister why she doesn’t visit our dad in hospital anymore. He’s been in a coma for months, but what she said was just nasty. Apparently, if she wanted to talk to a vegetable, she’d yell into the fridge once a week, at least it would save her the long bus ride. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML
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Top comments
secretsymbiote21 5
onions make them cry. your dad is a smart man.
chelseaaababyyy 17
Well, if you were a spirit, would you like to haunt a smelly room? I think not.
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Comments (80)
tingway 4
everyone hates vegetables, you'll never know!
maebelline12 12
I'm sure vegetarians and vegans hate vegetables too, and that's exactly why they choose to eat them.*sarcasm*
tingway 4
whoops didnt think abt that before typing sorry! :p
TheMathMajor 26
I once knew a vegetarian who hated vegetables. She called herself a "carbotarian" because all she ate was pasta and bread.
padlarf 14
Garlic should work better. A dish filled with vinegar should also help. Stabbing the air with a pure iron knife, also. According to some people who believe in such a thing. I myself would recommend a healty diet and enough sleep.
KiddNYC1O 22
Lost Boys.
TweetAnne 13
First time I hear about onions, usually people use garlic. If your dad is really concerned about spirits the best thing to do is to bless the house with Holy water.
maebelline12 12
Or you could sprinkle salt across every threshold and place a coin(penny I think)in every corner of the room. I've never done this before, but hey anything is better than having your room smell like onions!
j_cat187 20
I see that your dad and I think alike. Our minds are filled with so much intricate useless crap that's holds no applicable use. Hurrrrp
Bakarra 22
hey if people still use dream catchers then why shouldn't a vegetable keep spirits away?
RS808 6
Never heard of using an onion. lol. Ti lives. If you know what they are. (Not "tea" leaves). If you were from Hawaii, you'd understand.
bettykooler 7
... What? 0.o
RS808 6
lol I like how a bunch of people thumbed down my comment, even though they probably have no idea what I'm talking about. It's all good. Thought maybe OP might understand, with her name being "asian" girl.
RandomPerson1227 3
Gotta be the red ones
anonymousAMH 5
Random fact: Onions, in some way, do help to keep yu healthy by filtering the air. During the Black Plague people placed onions in jars with air holes and then sat them in rooms with sick people. The onion became black in color due to the bacteria it had absorbed and trapped that was seeping through the air. Also back during the colonial times, it was believed this warded or trapped evil spirits. people placed onions in rooms of the sickly and as the onion darkened they believed it to be evil spirits trapped in the onion. So from a certain perspective, ur father is very well educated
anonymousAMH 5
.
yousuck44 11
Why go to history class when you can have this wonderful info for free and it sounds cool. :D
MikeFoxtrot01594 11
How can onions "filter" air. They have no spaces for air to pass through. Perhaps fine particles in air stick to them. Anyways, the onions probably turned black because of mold.
buddhafatty 2
Well onions are said to absorb bacteria, so he's halfway right...
MikeFoxtrot01594 11
If onions attracted bacteria, they would be extinct. Think about it. They grow in soil that is loaded with microorganisms.
wubbazugg 5
Spirits, not so much. But onions are known to soak up most existing bacteria, even actively pulling them from infected areas. So he's only half off his rocker.
Kallian_fml 21
It's not just A vegetable, it's THE vegetable.