Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML
Today, my husband "challenged" my daughter: if she could eat a whole raw onion, she could stay up as late as she wanted. I now have an onion with a whole bunch of little bites taken out, a pile of stinking onion puke, a crying daughter, and a husband laughing like a hyena. FML
Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML
Today, I asked my sister why she doesn’t visit our dad in hospital anymore. He’s been in a coma for months, but what she said was just nasty. Apparently, if she wanted to talk to a vegetable, she’d yell into the fridge once a week, at least it would save her the long bus ride. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML
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Top comments
secretsymbiote21 5
onions make them cry. your dad is a smart man.
chelseaaababyyy 17
Well, if you were a spirit, would you like to haunt a smelly room? I think not.
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Comments (80)
183933 6
Only a vegetable would think that!
angel55033 12
Should have called the ghost busters
fuckisright 5
If something or someone comes in your room start cutting it up or you could just throw it at their face.
needsagf14 12
It'll keep the vampires away. This way you don't have to suffer and watch twilight
lilicoco_fml 5
#111, you're thinking of garlic.......
Eve50 5
As far as I know: when you're having a cold, an onion next to your bed will make you breath more easily and therefor make you sleep better, which might result in resolving your cold faster.
amusedslovenia 5
I don't know about onions filtering the air, but I certainly know they are a natural antibiotic. If I feel a sore throat coming on, I mix honey and ground onion (or I just use the juice) and slowly eat that. In about half a hour my throat is fine and the effect is lasting. I've also put fresh onion slices, wrapped in a handkerchief, on my baby's infected ear and covered it with a piece of plastic foil and a cap, and it also helped. Same goes for onion slices on the chest in case of respiratory infections....
surrealJC 4
actually u do sound dumb right now. onions absorb flu virus particles from the air.
Lilboosiebadazz 1
duhhh a vegetable is gonna save your ass from ghosts. this is the 21st century...******* dumbass
Vix83 1
An onion will prevent you from getting sick, that much is true. Peel it, cut it in half and leave the two halves out to the air. I don't know whyhow it works, or the science of it, but I know for a fact that you will not get sick nearly as often. Somehow the onion must absorb the viruses and bacteria that float around.
cpence98 4
Onions are supposed to catch flu viruses so you won't get sick