Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML
Today, my husband "challenged" my daughter: if she could eat a whole raw onion, she could stay up as late as she wanted. I now have an onion with a whole bunch of little bites taken out, a pile of stinking onion puke, a crying daughter, and a husband laughing like a hyena. FML
Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML
Today, I asked my sister why she doesn’t visit our dad in hospital anymore. He’s been in a coma for months, but what she said was just nasty. Apparently, if she wanted to talk to a vegetable, she’d yell into the fridge once a week, at least it would save her the long bus ride. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
secretsymbiote21 5
onions make them cry. your dad is a smart man.
chelseaaababyyy 17
Well, if you were a spirit, would you like to haunt a smelly room? I think not.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (80)
Why_Not31 12
My Mom used to hang wind chimes in front of every window to ward off evil spirits. I didn't mind that, but she also used to chant weird stuff and sprinkle herbs that made me sneeze everywhere. I stopped complaining after she hung a charm over the door of the bathroom connected to the bedroom I shared with my sister. From that night onwards, the weird noises and awful smells that used to come from under the door stopped. I don't know if it was just coincidence, but I was a lot less skeptical when my Mom did all of the little odd things she did.
notmanynamesleft 4
Onions are supposed to ward of spirits in some Japanese traditions
hoshimi2012 8
Onions are supposed to help you from getting sick if you cut it open. I read an article about it. The onion traps bacteria that can cause you to become sick.
mollyjynxjax 28
Actually, they do absorb bacteria very well. So it actually CAN help keep you from getting sick
FacelessKun 7
Is your father also green and ogre-ish?
thatonebach 9
No but Jesus might
MzGremlin1002 0
Stupid as it sounds onions can pull germs out and you won't get sick as much
mixedsubstances 13
in theory vegetables could in some ways keep you from getting sick tho...
pheonixfire13 17
He's half right onions keep u from getting sick but garlic keeps away spirits
Diarrhea_Volcano 29
Shrek is love, Shrek is life.