Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walked out to the living room, and told my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He said no, then pretended to fall asleep. FML
Today, while having sex for our first time, my boyfriend decided to test out a theory he heard about, that conversation during sex makes it more enjoyable. His way of doing it? He looked me straight in the eye and asked, "How 'bout them Brewers?" We're from Wisconsin. That's our local sports team. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML
Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML
Today, I decided to try and seduce my boyfriend of two years. He was on his laptop, and while he was on it I took off my shirt and bra, and gave him a hug from behind. What I didn't know was that he was video chatting his father the whole time. FML
Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my Mii knocked out her Mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one-player mode. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML
Today, after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML
Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was, "Nice weather?" FML
Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML
Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML
Today, after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. Welcome to the neighborhood! FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both Myspace and Facebook before saying to me that he was, "too busy to have sex." FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML
Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "Send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML
Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "Caution, contents may be stinky." FML
Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML
Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML
Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML
Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML
Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants, which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML
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