Sex

Framed

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

The sensual world

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

Stoooooop!

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in three months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

Strange terminology

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

Lookalike

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite Hentai character. FML

Experiment!

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

Who am I?

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML

The price of sin

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

NSFW, NSFL

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

It's not me, it's you

Today, my boyfriend said he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He then followed that with, "But don't worry, it's not because you're fat." FML

Turn me on

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

Steamy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend decided to humiliate me by confessing to my dad in detail what he and I had done together and "apologizing" for taking my virginity. FML

Busting makes me feel good

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

Spontaneous

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

Randy

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

Crude

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

Don't look!

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

Time out

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

You'd know by now

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said, "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

Chapter and verse

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "Love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

Parenting is exhausting

Today, our daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid-blow job. FML

Hottttt

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Signposting

Today, I walked in on my 13-year-old sister cutting her pubic hair with scissors. After a long talk about what on earth she was doing, she confessed to doing it so her boyfriend could find her clitoris. FML