Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML
Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML
Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML
Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML
Today, I bought a small bottle of liquor to share with my husband to celebrate our move. It took three hours at the store as the cashier, manager, GM, and a police officer checked my ID believing it was fake. I'm 25. FML
Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML
Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML
Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML
Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML
Today, my 18th birthday, my boyfriend took me out to dinner at a nice sushi restaurant half an hour from where we live. Right after we ordered I started having an allergic reaction to my birth control and spent the next 2 hours dry heaving on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. FML
secretsant4 tells us more.
OP here. Thanks everyone for absolutely 0 zero sympathetic comments. Yes it was a legitimate reaction. The dose I was prescribed was way too high for my weight and I had just come back from a 7 hour time change so I took my pill about 22 hours apart instead of 24 which meant there was extra in my system, giving me the bad side effects like nausea and dry heaving. Not sure how I was supposed to know that was gonna happen and not go out. And to everyone telling me to go to the doctor what exactly would the doctor have done to stop me dry heaving?? For anyone who cares I went back to the doctor and they prescribed me a much lower dose (the lowest they make) and now I don’t have any side effects.
Today, at 5:30 on a Sunday, I noticed my tire had a bubble in it. I found a tire shop 15 minutes away that would be closing at 6pm and made it there in time, but the shop had closed early. I left to try and make it to the next one and had a blow out. FML
Today, I was walking to the bus for my first day at my new school. I tripped in the darkness and split my chin open and broke my arm. FML
Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML
Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML
Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML
Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML
Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML
Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML
Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML
Today, I noticed that my dad's WhatsApp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML
Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML
Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML
Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML
Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML
Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML
SailorSolaris tells us more.
Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML
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