All the FMLs

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

Twitter = Spoiler Land

Today, I posted a blurb on Twitter about why I couldn’t watch tonight’s episode of my favorite show until 3 hours after it airs. Apparently, tonight’s episode had a plot twist 7 years in the making. Everyone spoiled it for me. FML

Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school anyway. We're now sitting in the emergency room. FML

Today, it was my best friend's birthday, so we all went out for drinks. She had a little too much and needed to be picked up so I opened her phone and called "bae." That's when I found out that not only does my husband have a second phone, but he's also cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

Today, at the winery, my boss proudly made a spectacle of the new, high quality bottles. After over a year of employment without breaking a bottle, I shattered three before lunch. FML

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

Yeet it

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

Today, I took my dog back to the vet because her face was completely swollen and her stomach was bright red and blotchy. It's obviously the medication she just started, but my vet doesn't believe dogs have allergic reactions. It's the only vet in the area. FML

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

Today, I accidentally washed an entire box of macaroni and cheese with a load of laundry. I'm 25 and do not have kids. FML

Today, a student turned in homework she copied off an online answer key. The wrong key. My students are too stupid to cheat right. FML

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

A job well done.

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

Today, I challenged my husband to look after our twins by himself all day, like I normally do. When I got home, both babies had on clean nappies and clothes, dinner was cooked, the house was spotless, and three loads of washing were done. Smug bastard. FML

Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

Strike

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

Today, on holiday 5,000 miles from home with my boyfriend and our child, I found out that he’s been constantly messaging and hooking up with one of my best friends. I have no money to get home. Only 10 days to go. FML