All the FMLs

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

Today, an unpaid intern had his first day at my workplace of seven years. As a joke, my boss gave him the same challenge she gave me on my first day. The intern completed it in 37 minutes. We've always been told it's impossible. Guess we all have to start working harder. FML

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a workmate, I took a sip of the tea, which I had forgotten was boiling hot, and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

Today, after weeks of money slowly disappearing from the stash in my bedroom, I confronted my son about it. I'm not sure which is worse: that my son is a thief or that he actually blamed his father for it. We've been divorced and haven't spoken for eight years. FML

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

Bake off

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

Public freakout!

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

Cool moves

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

Merde alors !

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML