Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML
Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML
Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML
Today, my father in law drunkenly announced at dinner that he wished my husband had married my best friend. No one stuck up for me. Not even my husband. FML
Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML
Today, I was at a pie auction. During it, I had to hold a pie in a glass case to be sold. In the middle of the auction, I raised my hand to scratch my face, and dropped the pie and broke the glass. It was worth $1000. FML
Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML
Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML
Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving in two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML
Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML
Today, I was eating some popcorn with a guy, and I noticed a piece of hair coming out my mouth. I pulled it... and pulled it... and eventually some popcorn pieces came out attached to the end of the hair. I was so embarrassed, he tried to make me feel better by saying it looked like a magic trick. FML
Today, my husband went downstairs to play Call of Duty. When he came back after only 20 minutes I said, "Awww, did you miss me?" He said, "No, the controller died." FML
bluestarr1 tells us more.
I'm pregnant & on bed-rest. I rely on him for a lot since I can't go downstairs. I thought him playing COD with his friends would give us a break from our constant interactions with each other. It just wasn't long enough for him. And keeping him entertained wasn't a part of our wedding vowels.
Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML
Today, after several long years, a lot of debt, and two great degrees from a top university, I had to move back in with my parents, because no matter where I look, I can't find a job. FML
Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML
Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML
Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML
Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML
Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML
Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML
Today, I had to walk through an extremely crowded pub wearing a dorky prisoner outfit to get to a dress-up party at the back. When we got there, I soon realised it wasn't fancy dress, but just black-and-white themed. FML
Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML
Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML
Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML
Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML
Today, I needed to pay off a $35 parking ticket. To try and get some sort of revenge, I went to the bank and got 3,500 pennies, dumped them into a bucket, and refused to pay with anything besides the pennies. They called the police. I was arrested and cited $147. FML
Not_you17 tells us more.
Ok so here is an update, they canceled my $147 fine because I was using 100% legal us tender. However in order to pay off the $35 in pennies they had to either be rolled by the bank or I had to count them 1 by 1, so I rolled 'em.
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