Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML
Today, while on the bus, a friendly-looking guy smiled at me, so I smiled back. He then pointed at my teeth and said, "You gonna get those fixed, or just keep them as a conversation starter?" FML
jewelthewat tells us more.
I was on a holiday to see my long distance boyfriend in the UK. We took a bus to go see a movie that evening, but a bunch of school kids had to take the bus too. Apparently this guy knew my boyfriend from when they both still attended the same high school and he thought he was funny. We had a really weird conversation, this guy and me, but apart from weird and a little rude, he was also quite friendly and funny. The remark about my teeth was a joke too. About my teeth, my upper jaw is a little too small so my canines are "on top" of my other teeth. It looks REALLY cool, but yeah, it's quite visible (especially when I smile, I look like a vampire). Thanks for all your comments guys, you're really sweet!
Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML
Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML
Today, in astronomy class, a kid used Uranus in a hilarious innuendo. I was the only one who laughed. I also happen to be the teacher. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I had to call in sick to work because I couldn't afford to pay my bus fare. FML
Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML
Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML
Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML
Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML
Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML
Today, I was eating a hot fudge sundae and said that the fudge was at the very bottom and I couldn't reach it with my spoon. My husband muttered, "Fat girl problems." FML
Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lives two hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML
Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML
Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML
Today, I tried to scare what I thought was a stray cat away from my friend's car in our work parking garage by hitting the panic button on his keys, which did, indeed, make the creature panic. That's when I learned it was not a cat. It was a skunk. FML
blazon_paradox tells us more.
Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML
Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh… you didn't know?" FML
Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML
Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML
Today, my dad picked me up from school, something he'll be doing while my broken leg heals. He thought it'd be hilarious to arrive early and ask the staff where his "crippled" son was, loudly saying I'd broken my leg in a "masturbation-related accident". FML
Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML
Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML
Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML
Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML
Today, my eight-year-old brother told his classmates that I have cancer. Nope, just really bad acne. FML
Peeves_fml tells us more.
Peeves_fml 17
OP here! My brother legitimately believed that having acne is the same thing as having cancer, but after a good talk with him about the difference between a normal teenage phenomenon and a life-threatening disease, I think he's straightened out his vocabulary terms. Oh, the bliss of being baby-faced and blemish-free! I told him he was lucky that he wouldn't have to worry about any skin problems for several years.
Today, I was checking out of a hotel when I saw some complementary mints. They weren't mints. They were glass beads. FML
Wingman527 tells us more.
Wingman527 22
You can actually, it's called school.
Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML
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