Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my flatmate woke me up early, saying there was a fire and we had to evacuate. Barely awake, she practically dragged me downstairs and got to the front door. Once we got there, she opened the front door, kneed me in the nuts, and pushed me out, locking it behind her. I was only in boxers. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML
Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML
Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML
Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML
Today, during the night I caught a burglar in the front room so I fought and threw him out. Most wives would be happy they were saved and nothing got stolen, might want to hug their husbands, maybe give them a little loving. Mine yelled at me for waking her up and scratching the walls. FML
Today, I was having a smoke out on the balcony of my apartment. When I was walking back into the house, I walked straight into the large glass sliding door, loudly whacking it with my forehead, subsequently waking up my 2 other flatmates at 2.30am. FML
Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML
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Top comments
cjwayy 22
You'd think that they'd recognize you as they were punching you in the face.
sarkaar 30
Can't blame him. He must have thought you to be one of those burglars who like to make a clean getaway.
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Comments (62)
i8cake 12
Is Oscar Pistorius your flat mate? Sorry mate!
pizzarollsyum 13
maybe when he took a shit this morning it smelled so bad it messed up his roomate's head. idk. next time just dont wake him up!
darlinjenni 3
UnmmK
noah_1234 24
if that was your flat i hope you kicked him out.
thefmlman2011 37
@39, don't you think that's a bit extreme?
gracehi 33
How is kicking someone out of your home for brutally assaulting you extreme?
brand125 17
44 - well he didnt mean to (assuming it was an accident, other commenters dont think so), since he thought it was just a robber. and his roomate pays rent too (again, just assuming), so he has no right to kick him out if its his place too
incoherentrmblr 22
Did you burn the toast?...
cjwayy 22
You'd think that they'd recognize you as they were punching you in the face.
AnOriginalName 19
Or the roommate just really wanted to punch OP in the face and "I thought you were a burglar" was a handy excuse...
tashb 17
I think this was definitely what happened. Now I know what excuse to use when I feel like punching people. Thanks OP you're the best!
redstone7693 29
It was probably dark in the room since it was 4:30am
cooltatgar 31
What a nice burglar you are :)
ZoroMiHawk 25
I bet your flat mate had some beef with you and used that excuse to get away with beating you up.
sarkaar 30
Can't blame him. He must have thought you to be one of those burglars who like to make a clean getaway.
pizzarollsyum 13
omg that was so funny ily
cjwayy 22
omgz lyk ya that was sooo funny!!11! so adorbz cray cray omgomg lol fml !!11!!1 *cat emoji* omg im literally like s0 random nd spontaneous lolol omg. Jesus Christ learn to communicate properly.
seltzerae 6
Holy crap. Calm down, #34....
kinky44 28
#34, was that the straw that broke the camel's back? Or did you just have a seizure while typing?
foxwasalamb 24
i never did understand why people say "i love you" to strangers. if a funny comment is all it takes to make someone fall in love with you...
brand125 17
34 - you have issues
simplysarcastics 26
#40 We don't mean it literally because as you know, we do not love these hoes..
chinaski7628 32
34-- Learn to use commas. Unless you're giving Jesus Christ a direct order, your comment should read "Jesus Christ, learn to communicate properly'. Jesus Christ, commas aren't that difficult.
Nymeria_fml 25
Commas are also used when addressing someone directly. Were you telling Jesus Christ that commas aren't that difficult, chinaski?
shutupshane12 12
#34 drake- wooah man take it easy
cjwayy 22
I've had a bad day, sorry. I know how to use commas, I just don't think it's really necessary online.
AnyaS 19
Actually there was a case in 2011 where a man broke into a house and took a shower. He even called the police on the owners who arrived home afraid they had guns.
cakefete2 31
There was a case recently where the burglar decided to take a nap on the victim's bed. The maid came in and called the cops. The police arrived, took pictures of the criminal sleeping on the bed with his bag of loot, woke him up, and then arrested him.
pizzarollsyum 13
um, thats kind of your fault. i mean, maybe you shouldn't have woken him up? lol sigh. *stupid people*
RecklessLove 18
I'd be pretty pissed if someone woke me up at 4:30 am...
juststephhere 23
Um, that's kinda not his fault...If he does that every morning, I'm sure his flatmate would sleep through it... He probably just woke up himself... "Sigh... Stupid people..."
brand125 17
7 - are you ******* stupid? (assuming your not sarcastic). he HAD to work that early and just got ready, cant skip out on work because its too early for the other roomate, who should know it happens every morning. not like he was partying into the early morning and being loud, what do you expect for them to get a differnt job over this? wow the dumbness....
brand125 17
*you're before anyone corrects me
RecklessLove 18
Oh wow -__-. I totally read this wrong. I thought it said you should've woken him up. Like, if they woke up the roommate he would've known it was them and not burglar.
Joshwarrior 39
I bet you were wide awake for work that morning (: hope there was no serious injury and next time carry a bat(pepper spray might be better no lethal injury Haha) with you in the mornings lol your roomate will learn
False_Stupidity 42
I'm sure that "bear the snot out of me" means that there was at least some serious bruising, probably even cuts. The kind of look you don't go to work with. To the OP, I hope the police were called 'cause that behavior is definitely not on and charges can be laid.
Aquaman911 18
Burglars do the strangest of things, especially in recent years. I'm not surprised he thought you were one but still, FYL op, its time for revenge >:)
shortnsweet00 14
im sorry op hopefully he stopped after he reliazed, otherwise you have a whole different problem and he just doesnt like you.